I didn't really want to be a comedian.
quote by Allan Carr
Added by Lucian Velea
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TV Guide
i was a television hosting a cartoon,
on early saturday mornings, to take away your blues,
i was your comedian on those rainy afternoons,
giving you a smile in a soothing room,
you were so young with your painted dreams,
an idealistic boy, you wanted to keep them,
i watched you grow and thought 'perhaps',
you'd be the sower with the perfect hem,
i was a television hosting an empty screen,
'cause you grew older and lost time for me,
i was your comedian without a jokes,
for you to hear under you counseling yoke,
you were so young with your textbooks,
stitching useless knowledge in place of your dreams,
i watched you learn and thought 'someday',
you'd have the time to finish sowing,
i was a television hosting a commercial,
while you slept to regain energy,
i was your comedian to help you,
have a laugh and become healthy,
you were so young curled up with your dreams,
in a remedy of blankets you fell asleep,
i watched you dream of a peace that was dead,
but you reconnected it with your needle and red thread,
i was a television hosting the 10 o'clock,
when you were wise and watched the newscaster,
no comedian could entice a smile,
on that evening when they televised the disaster,
you were so young, i saw it drip from your eyes,
sympathy spilled as you calmed your wife,
i watched you pack and thought 'of course',
you'd sacrifice a loom for a country at war,
i was a television hosting a cartoon,
to take away your grandchildren's blues,
i was the comedian on that rainy afternoon,
and enjoyed your smile in that old soothing room,
you looked so young dressed in wrinkles and gray hair,
everyone else grew up, but they wished....
i watched you age backwards, and thought 'you never did',
yeah, you still dream, yeah, your still that kid,
your still that kid.
poem by Jordan Crider
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I'm very, very lucky and I think being a comedian really helps. I think you have a much longer span as a comedian than you do as a dramatic actress because I think there's more competition for a dramatic actress.
quote by Jennifer Coolidge
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
quote by Fred Allen
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I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.
quote by Louie Anderson
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Erection
Erection
August heat I sent in a comment to an article in the Guardian,
dislike many of their readers, but it is a good paper, even if it
tends to lose its nerves and waffle a bit when the pressure is on.
I look to see if anything is written about lack of erection, not long
ago my member could carry a beach towel, a party trick for one
witness, now it will not even carry a paper napkin. I could write
and ask the woman who is married to a comedian and has a sexual
healing column in the Guardian, only I don`t like her much I think
she’s fraud; and the comedian she married stop being funny after
he dastardly divorced his first wife and married her. When working
class people are successful they tend to marry “up” that is because
they meet lots of new and well spoken people, who flatter them,
but they are wrong they will be sandpapered down lose their strength
to suit the middle class taste; rich they will be, so who cares?
poem by Oskar Hansen
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Ten Euro Note
Ten Euro Note
The old road into town is only used by walkers
now, weird people, who would look out of place
anywhere else and Marian Hyde, who writes
about alternative lifestyles, in the Guardian.
I had found a wallet with a twenty euro note,
photos of a posing nude woman, it belonged to
someone named Carol. I asked around, they all
knew her, a pro who often walked this way.
A handmade and of real leather and on and
impulse I added a ten euro note and wondered
if when I caught up with her she would notice,
or was my motive more self serving?
I met up with Carol at a road side pub gave her
the purse, she opened it counted the money,
said nothing, but she was talking to a footballer
who wanted to be tennis professional.
I walked where I was accosted by a Liverpool
comedian who couldn’t stop telling jokes,
I soon stopped laughing, smiling and listening,
but my disinterest didn’t matter anyway.
Carol came out, joined us, she had bought me
a beer and was in a good mood, the comedian
had fallen asleep, she knew the why of my ten
euro note and I knew of her nude pictures.
poem by Oskar Hansen
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Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.
quote by H.L. Mencken
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
quote by George Carlin
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I don't think of myself as funny- I don't fill up a room with my humor...I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.
quote by Steve Carell
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Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie
When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think youre too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin behind an losin yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of lifes busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin up
If the wine dont come to the top of yer cup
If the winds got you sideways with with one hand holdin on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the woods easy findin but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin and the street gets too long
And you start walkin backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrows mornin seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin
And yer rope is a-slidin cause yer hands are a-drippin
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipes a-pourin
And the lightnins a-flashing and the thunders a-crashin
And the windows are rattlin and breakin and the roof tops a-shakin
And yer whole worlds a-slammin and bangin
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didnt they tell me the day I was born
And you start gettin chills and yer jumping from sweat
And youre lookin for somethin you aint quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole worlds a-watchin with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and shes long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when theyre fryin
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bells bangin loudly but you cant hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyesve turned filthy from the sight-blindin dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an fooled white facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin three queens
And its makin you mad, its makin you mean
Like in the middle of life magazine
Bouncin around a pinball machine
And theres something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin
But its trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin in bed
And no matter how you try you just cant say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
[...] Read more
song performed by Bob Dylan
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A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.
quote by Bobby Darin
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I don't make much distinction between being a stand-up comic and acting Shakespeare - in fact, unless you're a good comedian, you're never going to be able to play Hamlet properly.
quote by Ian McKellen
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Read Between The Lines
Uh hu
You got to read between the lines
You got to read between the lines
You got to read between the lines
Ah ah ah ah
Late afternoon
Its the sun going down
A call on the cell
Why is he in such a hurry
Leaving the room
Hes mumbling too
Now look what hes doing
Hes leaving out the room
No explanation
No ask for location
Just watching him pacing
Wonder who hes chasing
Looks like versation
The end of debation
Hed love to go swing and
(chorus)
You better open your mind
And read between the lines
Got to read between the lines
Got to read between the lines
Got to read between the lines
Hot in the morning
Im up waiting for breakfast
Know your getting restless
This fool is full of questions
Little replying
Whole lot of denying
Instead I feel life in
So why do you keep on trying
Touch for the median
Now hes a comedian
Thats all the more reason
Its changing like the season
Are you still pleasing
How soon youll be leaving
Which one hell be creeping
(chorus)
(bridge)
Your replies are getting old
Its in his eyes
Youve got to read between the lines
Your replies again told
Look in his eyes
Youve got to read between the lines
Your replies are getting old
[...] Read more
song performed by Aaliyah
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The Bewlay Brothers
And so the story goes they wore the clothes
They said the things to make it seem improbable
The whale of a lie like they hope it was
And the goodmen tomorrow
Had their feet in the wallow
And their heads of brawn were nicer shorn
And how they bought their positions with saccharin and trust
And the world was asleep to our latent fuss
Sighing, the swirl through the streets
Like the crust of the sun
The bewlay brothers
In our wings that bark
Flashing teeth of brass
Standing tall in the dark
Oh, and we were gone
Hanging out with your dwarf men
We were so turned on
By your lack of conclusions
I was stone and he was wax
So he could scream, and still relax, unbelievable
And we frightened the small children away
And our talk was old and dust would flow
Thru our veins and lo! it was midnight
Back at the kitchen door
Like the grim face on the cathedral floor
And the solid book we wrote
Cannot be found today
And it was stalking time for the moonboys
The bewlay brothers
With our backs on the arch
In the devil-may-be-here
But he cant sing about that
Oh, and we were gone
Real cool traders
We were so turned on
You thought we were fakers
Now the dress is hung, the ticket pawned
The factor max that proved the fact
Is melted down
And woven on the edging of my pillow
Now my brother lays upon the rocks
He could be dead, he could be not
He could be you
Hes chameleon, comedian, corinthian and caricature
Shooting-up pie-in-the-sky
The bewlay brothers
In the feeble and the bad
Bewlay brothers
In the blessed and cold
In the crutch-hungry dark
[...] Read more
song performed by David Bowie
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Holida
[transcribed by dave a]
Holiday
By: jimmy buffett, ralph macdonald, bill eaton, william salter
1996
The weather channel girl
With her perfect weather curl
Is talking cold, cold, cold
You cant get out of bed
You cant remember what youve said
Youre feeling old, old, old
Is it fever or depression
Anger or agression
Whats the remedy?
Were not talking rocket science
The answer to your questions
Very plain to see
Chorus
You need a holiday
Take a holiday
Find a far off wonderland
Where you might regain command
Of your life today
Take a holiday
You need a holiday
Grab a pack and hit the trail
Take a sail
And wind up in some moonlight bay
Youre caught up in the internet
You think its such a great asset
But youre wrong, wrong, wrong
All that fiber optic gear
Still cannot take away the fear
Like an island song
Disregard confession
Stop trying to make impressions
On your corporate climb
It might come as quite a shock
But you cant really own that rock
Its just a waste of time
So, take a holiday
You need a holiday
Find a place to find yourself
Take your life down off that shelf
Quit acting so blase
Take a holiday
You need a holiday
Grab a pack and hit the trail
Take a sail
And wind up in some moonlight bay
Well its only up to you
[...] Read more
song performed by Jimmy Buffett
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The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.
classic quote by Leslie Nielsen
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You say you're a comedian, you always have to be on guard.
quote by Anthony Anderson
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Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
quote by Jeff Foxworthy
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7 O'Clock News / Silent Night
Silent night, holy night.
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and child.
Holy Infant, so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace...
Sleep in heavenly peace.
This is the early evening edition of the news.
The recent fight in the House of Representatives over the open housing section of the Civil Rights Bill brought traditional enemies together, but it left the defenders of the measure without the votes of their strongest supporters. President Johnson originally proposed an outright ban covering discrimination by everyone for every type of housing, but it had no chance from the start and everyone in Congress knew it. A compromise was painfully worked out in the House Judiciary Committee.
In Los Angeles today comedian Lenny Bruce died of what was believed to be an overdose of narcotics. Bruce was 42 years old.
Dr. Martin Luther King says he does not intend to cancel plans for an open housing march Sunday into the Chicago suburb of Cicero. Cook County Sheriff Richard Ogleby asked King to call of the march, and the police in Cicero said they would ask the National Guard to be called out if it is held. King, now in Atlanta, Georgia, plans to return to Chicago Tuesday.
In Chicago, Richard Speck, accused murderer of nine student nurses, was brought before a grand jury today for indictment. The nurses were found stabbed and strangled in their Chicago apartment.
In Washington, the atmosphere was tense today as a special sub-committee of the House Committee on Un-American Activities continued its probe into anti-Viet Nam war protests. Demonstrators were forcibly evicted from the hearings when they began chanting anti-war slogans. Former Vice President Richard Nixon says that unless there is a substantial increase in the present war effort in Viet Nam, the US should look forward to five more years of war. In a speech before the Convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars in New York, Nixon also said opposition to the war in this country is the greatest single weapon working against the US.
Thats the 7 oclock edition of the news. Goodnight.
song performed by Simon & Garfunkel
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The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
quote by Lenny Bruce
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