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So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

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I said, 'See you in the hospital my dear

I said, 'See you in the hospital my dear',
as I watched your mum disappear.
To Dellwood in an ambulance she sped,
'Will it be a girl or a boy', I said.

The telephone rang, 'It's a girl'.
To the hospital I went in a whirl.
Our beautiful Max lay besides her mum.
Little did I know what was to come.

Before your birth I called you Qasimodo.
A great mistake for I wasn't to know.
That eight years later you'd find out
what the name 'Qasi' was all about.

So I promised that I'd pay you 10p
every time that I called you 'little Qasi.'
But it was so difficult for me to quit
and cost a fortune to break the habit

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Julie Andrews

Richard Burton rang me up once and said, Do you know you're my only leading lady I've never slept with? I said, Well, please don't tell everybody, it's the worst image.

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Quatrain #507 - It is said that you can choose.....

It is said that you can choose your friends but not your relations
and the reasoning behind this is not really based on speculations.
The former is a situation which we can do something about
but the latter is a relationship we might like to do without.
_____________________________________________ ______________

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You said that you'd call me!

Don't hate me for caring
Don't tear me apart
I'm lost without you
Please don't break my heart

You said that you'd call me
But my phone hasn't rung
Now the radio's playing
Our song that you sung

My world isn't worth it
Without you by my side
The pains getting worse
But i have to bide by the time

You said that you'd call me
But my phone hasn't rung
Now the radio's playing
Our song that you sung

Everything reminds me of you
I'm scared of never seeing your face again
Your eyes
Your smile
Your lips

Or hearing you speak
Or hearing you laugh
Even hearing you cry
I need you
Here
Here by my side

You said that you'd call me
But my phone hasn't rung
Now the radio's playing
Our song that you sung

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Mama Said Knock You Out

[ll]
Cmon man
[news report]
And with the local dbt news ll cool j with a triumphant comeback
[mumbling]
But tonite...
[ll]
Dont call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a mon soon
Listen to the bass go boom
Explosion overpowerin
Over the competition Im towerin
Wreckin shop when I drop these lyrics thatll make you call the cops
Dont you dare stare, you betta move
Dont ever compare
Me to the rest thatll all get sliced and diced
Competitions payin the price
Chorus:
Im gonna knock you out [huuuh!!!]
Mama said knock you out [huuuh!!!]
(repeat 4x)
Dont u call this a regular jam
Im gonna rock this land
Im gonna take this itty bitty world by storm
And Im just gettin warm
Just like muhummad ali they called him cassius
Watch me bash this beat like a skull
Cuz u know I had beef wit
Why do u riff with me, the maniac psycho
And when I pull out my jammy get ready cuz it might go
Blaaaaw, how ya like me now?
The river will not allow
U to get with, mr. smith, dont riff
Listen to my gear shift
Im blastin, outlastin
Kinda like shaft, so u could say Im shaftin
Old english filled my mind
And I came up with a funky rhyme
Chorus
[ll]
Breakdown!!!
Shadow boxin when I heard you on the radio [huuuh!!!]
I just dont know
What made you forget that I was raw?
But now I got a new tour
Im goin insane, startin the hurricane, releasin pain
Lettin you know that you cant gain, I maintain
Unless ya say my name
Rippin, killin
Diggin and drillin a hole
Pass the ol gold
Chorus
Shotgun blasts are heard
When I rip and kill, at will
The man of the hour, tower of power, Ill devour
Im gonna tie you up and let you understand
That Im not your average man
When I got a jammy in my hand
Daaaaam!!!!! oooooohh!!
Listen to the way I slaaaaay, your crew
Damage [uhh] damage[uhh] damage [uhh] damage
Destruction, terror, and mayhem
Pass me a sissy so suckas Ill slay him
Farmers [what!!!] farmers [what!!!]
Im ready [were ready!!!]
I think Im gonna bomb a town [get down!!]
Dont u neva, eva, pull my lever
Cuz I explode
And my nine is easy to load
I gotta thank god
Cuz he gave me the strength to rock
Hard!! knock you out, mama said knock you out
Chorus

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Lady Luck

(cook/coverdale)
She was a juke-box dancer
A blue eyed gypsy queen
She always had an answer
For what shed done
And where shed been
A feathercane lady midnight
For all around to see
She spoke with words of wisdom
And this is what she said to me
Lady luck
Cmon give me what I want
Pull me up
Lady luck
If I see you again
I will call you my friend
I have always been a sinner
But then the lady came along
She stole my heart and turned me round
till I didnt know right from wrong
She whispered words of kindness
Id never ever heard before
Golden words and silver tongue
Till I really couldnt take no more
Lady luck
Cmon give me what I want
Pull me up
Lady luck
If I see you again
I will call you my friend
Cmon shake me

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Not You Again

Oh, no, not you again
Please dont tell me
Youre here to stay
See I dont want to hear
Go away, go away
I like piano
I like to tv
Yeah I like my style, ya know, and I like to dream
I like color of the rainbow, they like to please me
But I dont like you, I dont like you, I dont like you
Ive told you before and Ill tell you again, and again, and again
Cant you get it thru your head
Youre not my friend
And Ive tried to be nice but now Im not going to lie
So I suggest you leave before I make you cry, bye
I like to be sulky
I like being vile
I like to make you angry, I like it all the while
I like to know that youre hated, it makes me smile
But I dont like you, I dont like you, I dont like you
Oh, no, not you again
Oh, no, not you again
Why, why, why, why me?
Why, why, why, why me?
I like where Im living
I like my view
I like anyone who detests you as I do
So I must find everyone including me too
cause I dont like you, I dont like you, I dont like you
Im sorry
Oh, no, not you again
Oh, no, not you again
I dont like, I dont like, I dont like, I dont like, I dont like you
I dont like, I dont like, I dont like you
Oh, no, not you again
I dont like, I dont like, I dont like, I dont like, I dont like you
I dont like, I dont like, I dont like you
I dont have to give a reason
I dont have to give a reason, if I dont want to
Hello? I said hello.

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You Rang?

You Rang?
Date: July 5,2012

I see that you have called
Again, you have called
Perhaps in some sad belief
That you cannot be denied

I've heard it said
"You get what you give in this life"
And I believe it to be true
Perhaps…you should too!

I see that you have called
Sporting the same old howl
With conceit that does not interest me
You are brass, and nerve, and pride

Your ego grates my peace of mind
Like nails against a chalkboard
It's the incessant squall of vanity
That wears thin my patience

I see that you have called
But fall silent when looked upon
Like a frightened child, you hide your face in shadows
For fear of being seen

There's no need to pass this way again
There's no shoulder on which to rest
No ear to listen
And there is no heart to bruise or break

I see that you have called
With any luck, may it be your last
As it will go unanswered
It will be ignored…

********************************* ************
Copyright © 2012 Leria Hawkins, All Rights Reserved

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Two years ago I hadn't even thought of the Woman in White, and I was doing a television show and I said I hadn't found a story and the next day somebody rang me and said have you ever thought of the Woman in White.

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I Went To the Soul Of My Sadness And Said

I WENT TO THE SOUL OF MY SADNESS AND SAID

I went to the soul of my sadness and said
‘Why are you? ’
And it said
‘The world does not need you
And I asked again, ’ Why’
And my soul said,
‘Because you in all you do are not very good’
And I continued writing a poem
Even I must try to believe in.

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He Said I Said Sister Said

HE SAID FOREVER
I SAID NEVER
SISTER SAID WHAT EVER

HE SAID LEND ME YOUR HAND
I SAID DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN
SISTER SAID HOW COULD THIS BE

HE SAID WHY DON'T YOU TRY
I SAID B/C YOU ALWAYS LIE
SISTER SAID YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHY

HE SAID I NEVER MENT TO HURT YOU
I SAID THE TEARS I CRYED IN THE NIGHT
SISTER SAID MAYBE HE NEVER MENT TO MAKE YOU CRY.......

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At Least That's What You Said

When I sat down on the bed next to you
You started to cry
I said, maybe if I leave, you'll want me
To come back home
Or maybe all you mean, is leave me alone
At least that's what you said
You're irresistible when you get mad
Isn't it sad, I'm immune
I thought it was cute
For you to kiss
My purple black eye
Even though I caught it from you
I still think we're serious
At least that's what you said

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My Mother Said

one day
as i almost
died laughing my

mother said
not to laugh
out loud because

the volume
of my laughter
shall be
the same
volume
of sadness
and tears
that follows
after


take moderation
she said
do not howl
or wail

do not have
a brouhaha

take the
little giggle
and the smile
take
the little pinch
of pain

in happiness
and sadness
let there
be caution

like day
and night
not so glaring
not so gloomy

live in twilight
stay in dusk

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Globe Trotting

I asked him what,
New York was like.
He said it was crazy.
He said Manhattan,
Would suit me.
How does he know that?
He hasn’t even seen my picture.
What does he think I’m like?
Probably just another,
British tourist.

He said that he’d never,
Travelled much.
So I told him what this
Little island was like.
I turned the dales,
Into a wilderness.
Told him about
The changeable weather.
And advised him,
Never to call football, soccer,
In an Englishman’s presence.

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Said That Cat

'Tsk, tsk, said that cat,
can't you see? Noone knows,
not you, not me'.

'My oh my, said that cat,
where do you go when the day dies?
Climb on the roof and watch the moon rise'.

'Ask, ask, said that cat,
find out what the chatter is all about
get an answer to your question, but
start at the beginning'.

'Hmm, hmm, said that cat,
I think you may be right, it's best
to sneak upon the night
without a sound, without a noise
quiet as a mouse might.'

Tsk, tsk, said that cat,
but he won't tell me where it's at.

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Can I offer a version of the world's (supposedly) funniest joke?

Whilst working on the switchboard once
for the emergency services team,
I came across a fatal dunce
who haunts my every dream.

his call came through at half past two
an over-excited punter
'Help me please, what should I do?
I've found the body of a hunter!

His skin is cold and clammy
he's bleeding from the gut,
If he's not dead, I'm barmy! '
So I stopped him and said, 'But...

could you just make sure that he's dead? '
the phone dropped, I was vexed
A shot rang out and then he said,
'Ok. He's dead. What next? '

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Descendents of the He Said She Said Types

People who pass judgement
Without knowing the facts.
Or participate in verbal attacks
Against someone
They have no knowledge of...
Are quick to excuse this abuse.

And it is seen in their eyes,
They wish to apologize!
But a glance into yours...
Tells them,
They shouldn't have opened their mouths,
In the first place!

You realize too,
They are professional at what they do.
So the best thing to express,
When you meet someone like this by accident...
Is to say what's on your mind and leave.
They are descendents of the he said she said types.
And wont remember exactly what they said about you,
Specifically!

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We Said

Mum said go you play have some fun
Go play you in the hall,

I was playing having fun
Playing with my rubber ball,

Dad says angry ways
I not to play at all,

I said but mum said
I to play in fun,

Dad said, no fun today some other day
Go get yourself a bun.

Dad said go you out go play you in the sun,
I said, mum said today we go to town,

Dad said not to today some other day
Away you sit down,

I said mum said she baked me a cake,
Dad said mum said she bought the bloody cake
Then good old mum hit him round the bake,

Now I'm rolling over
Laughing out my belly,

But dad thinks I'm laughing
At the funnies on the telly

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Never Said

I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
You dont know where you heard it
Dont know whos spreadin it round all I know is Im clean as a whistle baby
I didnt utter a sound
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
You dont know what they told you
Dont even care what about
All I know is Im clean as a whistle baby
I didnt let that cat out
So dont look at me sideways
Dont even look me straight on
And dont look at my hands in my pockets, baby
I aint done anything wrong
I never said nothing
No baby, I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I never said nothing

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Don't Say, I Said

You say it's not true.
It makes me so blue.
How could all I've felt be so untrue?
Don't say, I said
that you don't love me through and through.
After all I thought we were tried and true.
Don't say, I said
that all was there is truly dead.
You break my heart with such blazing smarts.
All your reasons stink like rancid farts.
Please don't say, I said
that I'm weak and you need one who's truly strong.
For this pain stretches far and long.
You say you're leaving.
Forever I'll go on grieveing.
Mourning the loss of a love so true.
So tell me now that this is just a fool.
Please don't be so cruel.
Don't tell me that you've found a brand new jewel.

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