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If it wasn't for golf, I'd probably still be a caddy.

quote by George Archer
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Adrienne Vittadini

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poem by Caasder Fronds
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Handles Bermuda

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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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Luggage Canada

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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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Golf Tees Lament

Golf tees on my dresser
Golf tees in my bed
Golf tees on my pillows
Where they poke me in my head

Golf tees in my closet
Falling from my shirts and pants
Golf tees along the baseboards
Just like army ants

Golf tees in the carpet
And underneath my feet
Golf tees lined up on the mantle
Oh, they look so neat

Golf tees in my couch
And in my back and thighs
When I sit and watch TV
I feel those little guys

Golf tees in the kitchen
In Jurassic coffee mugs
Sometimes when I pass them
They look like prehistoric bugs.

Golf tees in the bathtub
Like sailors on plastic ships
Golf tee in her make-up
Like little bald q-tips.

Golf tees in the attic
Golf tees in the shed
Golf tees, golf tees everywhere
I wonder where they bred?

Golf tees out the backdoor
Like Hansel-and-Gretel’s trails
Golf tees in the flowerbeds
Among the mulch and snails

Golf tees in my car
And underneath the mats
Golf tees in the backseat
Like little baseball bats

But when I am at the golf course
I ask my partner, like a louse…
“May I borrow some of your tees? ”
I left mine at the house!

poem by Larry Buddin
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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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Never Had a Dream to Drive a Caddy

I've stopped adulterous...
Unemotional,
Needs to please my own heat.
And I've left behind,
A selfish mind...
Freed of deceits to bleed.
And I've been on my knees,
Without door keys..
To open any one for me.
And I was in disguise,
With a nose held high.
Thinking the weak were diseased.
And I've celebrated,
With fake faces...
Who were empty of any deed.
And I've made mistakes,
To have heartbreaks...
With bitter pity felt so deep.
But I've never had,
A dream...
To drive,
A 'Caddy'!

Not one dream did I ever have,
To drive....
A 'Caddy'!

Oh I've been on my knees,
Without door keys..
To open any one for me.
And I was in disguise,
With a nose held high.
Thinking the weak were diseased.
And I've celebrated,
With fake faces...
Who were empty of any deed.
But I've never had a dream...
To drive,
A 'Caddy'!
Not one dream did I ever have,
To drive....
A 'Caddy'!

NOTE:
A 'caddy' is a luxurious Amemican made car.
Formally called a Cadillac.

poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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Twin State

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poem by Caasder Fronds
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poem by Caasder Fronds
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For A Round Of Golf

For leisure the game that so many do play
For a round of golf 'tis a beautiful day
By the wide slow flowing river that crawls to the sea
Men and women practice their strokes before their evening tea.

As a boy I believed hobby golfers had easy jobs
And that those who enjoyed golf were well to do snobs
But such antiquated thinking not relevant today
As all kinds of classes the game of golf play.

A beautiful day for a beautiful game
For most hobby golfers with no aspirations to fame
After work they go to the golf course in the evening sun
And play the eighteen holes for the sake of fun.

Of the praises of golf everybody doesn't sing
But for the participants a game without physical contact can be such a fun thing
In the golf course by the river that to the sea crawl
The crack of the iron on the stone hard golf ball.

poem by Francis Duggan
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LPGA (Is Racism On The Ladies Pro Tour?)

Will someone please say it’s a rumor and not true,
That professional woman’s golf is not going to,
Require that players who play in any LPGA events,
Have to speak English or back home they are sent.

Wow! Why not take the lead of the PGA men’s side?
When Tiger Woods emerged did others run and hide?
No! They practiced, worked out and hired coaches,
As brighter lights shined some women hid like roaches.

2009 from September 7, is just over 100 days away,
It takes years to learn English unless sports you play,
Basketball, football, baseball are a few that come to mind,
The Ladies Profession Golf Association is ahead, not behind.

Many ex-players are making the adjustment to play by play,
Far from the days when, “you know” was all they could say,
But, this progress has taken decades and now you expect,
Better golfers to learn proficient English just to get a check?

What’s happened to competition, head to head with the best?
Do we have to wait for another Olympics to put skill to the test?
I though only in politics via the cold war did this stuff exist,
Now the “sport” of women’s golf is going be added to the list.

Sports is an activity governed by a set of competitive rules,
Not to be goverend by where you did or did not go to school,
Going from one country to another you don’t need a visa to play,
Just a passport, there is no test as to what you can or cannot say.

True, not every country like our United States has free speech,
However, you need not be fluent in the local just to compete,
Playing against the world’s best is what makes golf so sweet,
Not sending them home because you’re tired of getting beat.

I know this is not all the players only a handful of spoiled quitters,
Sometimes is seems as though a few caddies are also baby sitters,
The one and only way to be the best is to beat the ones that are,
Who wants to watch a match with winners barely breaking par?

This a demeaning, stupid, selfish, insensitive, bitter, jealous rule,
You become a better golfer by going to UCLA instead of Q school?
I certainly hope this insensitiveness doesn’t too last long or go very far,
Will parking a Taurus next to a S600 Benz make the Ford a better car?

Didn’t the word golf mean, “Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden? ”
Now it’s the ladies who are trying to keep the best players hidden?
OK, hide your mama, jewelry, money, Picasso, Rembrandt or Monet,
But don’t hide the best foreign players by not allowing them to play.

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poem by Luke Easter
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Using Boot Camp

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poem by Caasder Fronds
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Bad Denim

You've got a rack so stacked.
When you move,
You're like a 'caddy'.
And smooth like a 'rolls'...
Wherever you go.

Some folks wear jeans,
That scream when they're in them.
My eyes look away...
But on you,
They stay!

Bad denim.
Some other people make them look like,
Bad denim.
They shouldn't even try to fit them,
Bad denim.

When you wear 'your' blue jeans,
You lift my low self esteem.
Some other people need to quit,
Trying to squeeze them till they rip.

Bad denim.
Some other people make them look like,
Bad denim.
They shouldn't even try to fit in,
Bad denim.

When I see you from the back,
There's no sad sagging that's a fact.
You're like a smooth moving 'caddy'.
With a packed stacked rack.

Some folks wear jeans,
That scream when they're in them.
My eyes look away...
But on you,
They stay!

Bad denim.
Some other people make them look like,
Bad denim.
They shouldn't even try to fit them,
Bad denim.

My eyes look away...
But on you,
They stay!

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poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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Soboba

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poem by Rwetewrt Erwtwer
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University Of Central Florida Volleyball

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poem by Caasder Fronds
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Hang Down Your Head Kelly Tilghman

This time tomorrow
Reckon where I'll be
Down in some lonesome valley
Hangin' from a white oak tree (The Kingston Trio)

Kelly thought she was being cute,
Kelly thought she had made a funny,
Golf Central would not fire her,
As she is a woman,
Not being Rush, Imus, Jimmy the Greek Snyder,
They were men.
She is of course blonde, so is Caitlin Upton,
Maybe that explains the fact,
Golf Central would not fire her.
She stated that the only way the upcoming golfer would defeat Tiger Woods,
If they would beat him up, like Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan,
Further more they should 'lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley.'
If the KKK would have been paying her I would understand,
But if, not she could have been playing bedroom course,
She could have been playing on the course where there is easy “lay” on the turf,
She was a caddy to Arnold Palmer,
She could have kissed his balls while he ventured out the first ho’,
That would make his putter stand up.
Golf Central still would not fire her.

(1-13-2008)

poem by Joe Rosochacki
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The City of Golf

Would you like to see a city given over,
Soul and body, to a tyrannising game?
If you would, there's little need to be a rover,
For St. Andrews is the abject city's name.

It is surely quite superfluous to mention,
To a person who has been here half an hour,
That Golf is what engrosses the attention
Of the people, with an all-absorbing power.

Rich and poor alike are smitten with the fever;
Their business and religion is to play;
And a man is scarcely deemed a true believer,
Unless he goes at least a round a day.

The city boasts an old and learned college,
Where you'd think the leading industry was Greek;
Even there the favoured instruments of knowledge
Are a driver and a putter and a cleek.

All the natives and the residents are patrons
Of this royal, ancient, irritating sport;
All the old men, all the young men, maids and matrons --
The universal populace, in short.

In the morning, when the feeble light grows stronger,
You may see the players going out in shoals;
And when night forbids their playing any longer,
They tell you how they did the different holes.

Golf, golf, golf -- is all the story!
In despair my overburdened spirit sinks,
Till I wish that every golfer was in glory,
And I pray the sea may overflow the links.

One slender, struggling ray of consolation
Sustains me, very feeble though it be:
There are two who still escape infatuation,
My friend M'Foozle's one, the other's me.

As I write the words, M'Foozle enters blushing,
With a brassy and an iron in his hand ....
This blow, so unexpected and so crushing,
Is more than I am able to withstand.

So now it but remains for me to die, sir.
Stay! There is another course I may pursue --
And perhaps upon the whole it would be wiser --
I will yield to fate and be a golfer too!

poem by Robert Fuller Murray
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Fishing or Golf, Take your Pick

Do you golf? I've been asked this question a great deal
But I answer with a smile, "Hey, a golf ball won't make a meal."
If you use your driver or iron, whatever your whim
I reply, "I would rather try to teach a worm to swim."
Some argue, you get exercise by walking from hole to hole
You can't do that sitting in a boat holding a pole.
No matter if you golf or fish, both cost a lot of dough
And both result in making your wife a fishing or golf widow.
One can't be sure which sport is really the best
Until you have tried both, passed the inevitable test.
So, if you can worm your way through all this confusion
You might fish around and land a sound conclusion.
This won't decrease your drive nor will you be less on the ball
By weighing the pros and cons for each sport overall.
Golfing has some prestige whereas fishing does not
So pick your choice, determine your own lot.
You can't make a mistake whichever one you choose
Cause after all, what have you got to lose
So my friends, if we don't always agree
Fish around for your solution, it may fit you to a tee.

poem by Jr. William B. Booth
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Yips

When focusing too hard on putts
golfers suffer from the yips,
and those who focus hard on butts
and breasts and what’s below the hips
may not obtain a hole in one
because most eagles fly away,
and though a birdie can be fun
you’ll never catch one if you play
too focused. Nonchalance will launch
in sex, as golf, a thousand ships,
and when you’re ready for some raunch,
soft-focus rescues you from yips.

Inspired by an article by Katie Thomas in the NYT on August 1 explaining the phenomenon of yip[s which plagues archersm, golfers and all people who aim to carefully at targets (“The Secret Curse of Expert Archers”) :

There is an affliction so feared by elite archers that many in the sport refuse to even say its name. Archery coaches who specialize in treating the problem are sworn not to reveal the identities of archers in its grip, even though they estimate that 90 percent of high-level competitors will fall victim at least once in their careers. Target panic, as the condition is known, causes crack shots to suddenly lose control of their bows and their composure. Mysteriously, sufferers start releasing the bow the instant they see the target, sabotaging any chance of a gold-medal shot. Others freeze up and cannot release at all. Target panic is akin to the yips in baseball and golf, when accomplished athletes can no longer make a simple throw to first base or stroke an easy putt. The results can be mortifying, and archery is filled with tales of those who have caught the curse, never to shoot again. The problem has spawned a cottage industry of coaches, books and specialized accessories that claim to cure target panic….Lanny Bassham, a former Olympic rifle shooter and mental coach whose clients include the Olympic archer Brady Ellison, said the archery community had a peculiar obsession with target panic, which he noted had a horrifying ring. “The words target panic have induced an unnecessary amount of severity and concern about this condition among archers, ” he said. “I think if they had a better word for it, they’d have a lot less problem trying to cure it.” Many archers and their coaches refuse to say target panic. Those words are forbidden around the Nichols household, which is home to the Olympic archer Jennifer Nichols and her younger sister, Amanda, also a world-class competitor. “We try to stay away from the labels that are put on things by people in the archery industry because once you feel you’ve got that label, it’s hard to stay away from it, ” said their father, Brent Nichols. “We don’t want to hear those things.” Theories vary on how to cure target panic. Some switch their shooting hand, or change their grip slightly — techniques that have also proved successful in golf. Others use visualization techniques and positive reinforcement. Wunderle advises his clients to imagine seeing and feeling what a good shot is, without focusing on aiming the arrow. “Do not focus on results, ” he said. “When you focus on results, it builds anxiety. And anxiety is the kiss of death.” One of the most popular cures is to entirely remove the target. Sufferers instead practice shooting at a blank target, sometimes for weeks at a time, to retrain the mind. “The empty bale restores your confidence in your subconscious, ” said Bernie Pellerite, author of the book “Idiot Proof Archery” and a self-described expert on target panic. “Nobody flinches or punches or chokes on an empty bale.” Hunt spent weeks shooting at blank targets, but he also purchased a special release for his bow, which helped retrain him when to shoot. “It’s trying to engrave in your head when you should shoot, ” he said. “You just pull it back, let the safety off, and pull it until it decides to go. Then you get used to every shot being perfect.” Hunt placed second in his age group at the Junior Olympic Archery Development national championships in Oklahoma City earlier this month. His target panic, he said, had been cured. For now. There is an affliction so feared by elite archers that many in the sport refuse to even say its name. Archery coaches who specialize in treating the problem are sworn not to reveal the identities of archers in its grip, even though they estimate that 90 percent of high-level competitors will fall victim at least once in their careers. Target panic, as the condition is known, causes crack shots to suddenly lose control of their bows and their composure. Mysteriously, sufferers start releasing the bow the instant they see the target, sabotaging any chance of a gold-medal shot. Others freeze up and cannot release at all. Target panic is akin to the yips in baseball and golf, when accomplished athletes can no longer make a simple throw to first base or stroke an easy putt. The results can be mortifying, and archery is filled with tales of those who have caught the curse, never to shoot again. The problem has spawned a cottage industry of coaches, books and specialized accessories that claim to cure target panic.

8/20/08

poem by Gershon Hepner
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