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The Fable of 'Belling the Cat', Modern Version

Five judges at a cat show
were in a conference room
when the lights went out.

The cat being judged
was coal black and
only could be seen
when it opened its eyes,
and of course the cat was asleep.

While waiting for the lights to come on,
the conversation turned to nutrition
and as most cat show judges
must have another occupation,
it turned out that each
considered himself and herself
an authority on diet for humans.

Such it was that the cat and nutrition
became the subject of discussion
because nutrition is not unlike
a black cat in a dark room.

The judges were sure
that the cat must be found and caught
before someone opened the door,
and it escaped.
If only it had a bell attached to its collar,
How much easier it would be.

The first judge,
a Health Food Faddist, said,
'I see it.
Having particularly acute eyesight
because of my diet
of carrots and carrot juice,
I will tell you where the cat is
and someone can easily
catch and hold it.
There by the table end is the cat.'
Alas, because no one else could see,
the first one to attempt to catch the cat,
tripped over a chair and
the cat raced about the room and
Found a new place to hide.

'It's just like you all
to dismiss the value of natural foods,
see what it has gained you.'
With that the Food Faddist
sat brooding at the table,
contemplating her new diet book.

'But wait.' Said the Medical Doctor.
'None of you has a clue
on how to catch a cat.
I spent long hours in Medical School
after taking my pre-med degree in sociology.
I understand the way the body functions.
Food is just so much
coal to stoke the furnace,
and I know what you should eat.'

'Humbug.' said the Food Faddist,
'You took not one course in nutrition! '
'True, ' said the Doctor,
'But with my great Aristotlean knowledge,
I can tell you much about the cat.
I having studied the muscle structure
of such as this black cat possesses,
and can tell you exactly how to catch him.
You must grasp him behind the head,
by the scruff of the neck
just as his mother carried him.'

'If you can't see him,
how are you to catch him? '
Asked the Business Man
who represented a major food manufacturer.

'Why with my stethoscope,
I can hear his heart beat
and lung function;
I will locate him and then catch him.'
Moments later,
'I have him'
(But of course, he didn't.)

The Business Man having been
deceived many times before,
and knowing full well the ways
of professionals stepping
outside their area of expertise
to take a megaphone
to shout their views,
scoffed at the Doctor,
and said, 'We all know that
you haven't a clue
as to where the cat is,
or what good nutrition
is for that matter.
I will bell the cat.
All it takes is a bit of
imaginative selling,
and I can attract any kind
and number of animals.
Promotion is what it's about,
nutrition or otherwise.
You sell the sizzle
before you sell the steak, '
and with that he began to call loudly,
'here, kitty, here, kitty.'
And almost at once,
'Got him! '
(But of course, he didn't.)

'I know you don't have the cat,
for I am holding him in my lap, '
said the Very Important News Person.
'You know nothing about cats,
publicity, nutrition or
anything else going on in this world.
Without me to interpret,
and bring it to everyone's attention,
nothing would get done.
It falls on my shoulders
to explain good nutrition so
teachers and parents will understand
what's good for them (and the children) .
I have read summaries
of all the important new science
that has to do with health,
welfare, education, government, personal surveys
(I could go on and on,
and shall if you all will just
shut up and listen.) '
She made a purring sound,
much like a cat would make,
and exclaimed, 'I have the cat'.
(But of course, she didn't.)

Which brings us to the Governmental Agency Executive
who served on these committees
so that he could use
the very generous vacation and sick leave
allocated to one who worked for the Government.
He said, 'It is clear to me
that without regulations,
the cat will go free
and possibly be harmed,
I know how to handle these issues.
Didn't I give you the revised food pyramid
that stood conventional wisdom on its ear,
although I admit, it is a bit difficult
to understand how slices of a pyramid standing on end,
creates a very substantial structure.
And didn't I give you revised grades for beef
which made the lower quality beef more desirable,
(and just by changing the names!)
And didn't I make you all feel better
when I announced that 'mad-cow-disease'
was nothing to worry about.
And, didn't I define what 'natural foods' are,
and, working with the Food and Drug Administration
and the Communicable Disease Center,
didn't I solve the problems of disease management.
Trust me, I will show you where the cat is
and I know how to capture him
and save him from the hostile environment
he finds himself in.'
And with that,
he reached over
and plugged in the extension cord,
which he had pulled from the wall
when he tripped over it.

But the projector's lamp did not light.
For you see,
he tripped over the cord
after the lights went out.

At about this time,
the building janitor
hearing shouting coming
from the conference room,
opened the door and
asked why the 'judges'
were sitting in the dark.

'Shut the door! '
They all cried.
Which he did.

And to this day,
the five nutrition experts
are in the darkened room.
Having starved together.

But how about the cat, you ask.
Not to worry,
he escaped out the door
when the janitor opened it.

And without a bell, I might add.

poem by Sidi J. Mahtrow
Added by Poetry Lover
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