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The Crusaders

'Peter the 'Ermit was a 'oly bloke,'
The parson sez, 'wot chivvied coves to war.'
'Too right,' I chips. 'I've 'eard that yarn before.'
'Brave knights sprung straight to arms where'er 'e spoke.'
'Sure thing,' sez I. 'It muster been no joke
Tinnin' yer frame in them dead days uv yore
Before yeh starts to tap a foeman's gore.'

'Peter the 'Ermit was a man inspired,'
The parson sez. We're moochin' up the Lane,
Snoopin' around for news we might obtain
Uv this Spike Wegg, the man 'oo I am 'ired
To snatch by 'ook or crook, jist as required
By circs, frum out the sev'ril sins wot stain
'Is wicked soul. I 'ope me meanin's plain.

'Peter the 'Ermit,' sez the parson, 'saw
No 'arm in vi'lince when the cause was just.
While 'e deplored, no doubt, the fightin' lust,
'E preached-' ''Old on,' I sez. ''Ere comes the Law:

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poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
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Spike Wegg

Me photer's in the papers! 'Oly wars!
A 'ero, I've been called in big, black type.
I 'ad idears the time was close on ripe
Fer some applorse
To come my way, on top uv all me bumps.
Now it's come sudden, an' it's come in lumps.

I've given interviews, an' 'ad me dile
Bang on the front page torkin' to a 'tec'.
Limelight? I'm swimmin' in it to the neck!
Me sunny smile
Beams on the crowd. Misun'erstandin's past;
An' I 'ave come into me own, at last.

But all the spot-light ain't alone fer me;
'Arf, I am glad to say, is made to shine
Upon that firm an' trusted friend uv mine,
Ole Wally Free
A man, I've alwiz said, 'oo'd make 'is mark…
But, case you 'ave n't 'eard the story, 'ark:

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poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
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Tough cat Sam is back

Tough cat Sam is making a comeback
he's out running and getting fit
but Jess reckons he's gone crazy
because he's getting on a bit.
A tough young moggy called Spike
has proclaimed that he's the best ever
he's also been bad mouthing Sam
saying that he's thick and not very clever.
So an angry Sam has said yes to a fight
but Spike has said he's going to lose
but Sam has got back into shape
due to his training and cutting out the booze.
The feline boxing world got really excited
and all the tickets quickly sold out
but Spike continued to taunt tough Sam
calling him an old cat and a washed up lout.
Spike was a stocky built Persian
and caught Sam with a fast uppercut
Sam replied with a flurry of jabs
and gave Spike a crafty headbutt.

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poem by Kevin Halls
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Spike

Oh, we got another one, just like the other ones
Another bad ass, another troublemak er
Im scared, aint you boys scared?
I wonder if hes gonna show us what bad is?
Boys, we got a man with a dog collar on
You think we oughta throw ol spike a bone?
Hey spike what do you like?
Hey spike what do you like?
Heres another misfit, another jimmy dean
Bet hes got a motorbike,
What do yall think?
Bet if we be good well get a ride on it
If he aint too mad about the future
Maybe we oughta help him see
The future aint what it used to be
Hey spike, youre scarin my wife
Hey, spike what do you like?
Please spike, tell us bout life?

song performed by Tom Petty
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Motorcycle Mama

Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay your big spike down
Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay your big spike down
I always get in trouble when you bring it round
Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay it down.
Im runnin, Im runnin, Im runnin
Down the proud highway
Yeah, Im runnin, Im runnin, Im runnin
Down the proud highway
And as long as I keep movin
I wont need a place to stay.
Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay your big spike down
Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay your big spike down
I always get in trouble when you bring that round
Motorcycle mama
Wont you lay it down.

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song performed by Neil Young
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A Holy War

'Young friend!' . . . I tries to duck, but miss the bus.
'E sees me first, an' 'as me by the 'and.
'Young friend!' 'e sez; an' starts to make a fuss
At meetin' me. 'Why, this,' 'e sez, 'is grand!
Events is workin' better than I planned.
It's Providence that I should meet you thus.
You're jist the man,' 'e sez, 'to make a stand,
An' strive for us.

'Young friend,' 'e sez, 'allow me to explain
But wot 'e 'as to say too well I knows.
I got the stren'th uv it in Spadgers Lane
Not 'arf an hour before'and, when I goes
To see if I could pick up news uv Rose,
After that dentist let me off the chain.
('Painless,' 'e's labelled. So 'e is, I s'pose.
I 'ad the pain.)

'Young friend,' 'e sez. I let 'im 'ave 'is say;
Though I'm already wise to all 'e said

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poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
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Ave a 'eart!

''Ere! 'Ave a 'eart!' 'e sez. 'Why, love a duck!
A 'uman bein' ain't a choppin' block!
There ain't no call fer you to go an' chuck
A man about when 'e 'as took the knock.
Gaw! Do yeh want to bust 'im all apart!
'Ere! 'Ave a 'eart!

'Aw, 'ave a 'eart!' 'e weeps. 'A fight's a fight;
But, strike me bandy, this is bloody war!
It's murder! An' you got no blasted right
To arst a 'uman man to come fer more.
'E 'ad no chance with you right frum the start.
Aw, 'ave a 'eart!

'Yeh've pulped 'is dile,' 'e whines; 'yeh've pinched 'is gun;
Yeh've bunged 'is eye 'an bashed in 'arf 'is teeth.
'Struth! Ain't yeh satisfied with wot yeh've done?
Or are you out to fit 'im fer a wreath?
The man's 'arf dead a'ready! Wot's yer dart?
Say, 'ave a 'eart!'

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poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
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Baby Talk

This is a song about Spike
He is a bad ass guy
Who just happens to be
A really good friend of mine
Everyone I know...yeah
Who knows Spike too
Would agree when
I say the words
That Spike is cool
The problem with
my friend Spike
He has fallen into
a true love with a nice girl
Who has gotta lot of tattoos
He always talks crazy
Whenever she calls
He always talks like a baby
It's obvious now...
She has got him by the balls
She has got him by the balls...

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song performed by Everclear
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Boffyflow And Spike

(No lyrics, but related to this text)
So let us follow Boffyflow and Spike down through the days of the leaves. Boffy is covered with leaves completely the buckijit and Spike is in hysterics. On they go, on and on up the small incline, gathering sacks of leaves for burning in the clearing and waiting on McDole.
McDole has not been seen nor heard of since Halloween and everyone is getting a trifle nervous. Spike took the sheet of paper from his inside coat pocket and tried to decipher the code, but as he glanced over the page, he realised he had not noticed the note in the margin that said It means what it means, followed by, Wee Alfie at the Castle picturehouse on the Castlereagh Road, whistling on the corner next door where he kept Johnny Mack Brown's horse. O Solo Mio by McGimsey and the man who played the saw outside the city hall. Pastie suppers down at Davy's Chipper, gravy rings, barmbracks, wagon wheels, snowballs. A Sense of Wonder.
On and on. Spike and Boffyflow tramping with sacks of leaves over the Gransha road to Ballystockart and back again. Puck up said Boffy, It means what it means and we have a windfall. If we're not daft enough to burn these leaves, we can freeze them 'til next Autumn, study them and then let them decompose. If we can get in touch with your man, I would strongly advise him to do ditto with the documents.
Just at that moment, as if by a strike of faith, McDole came round the bent on a bike. Okay lads, you're on to something, don't blow it. Go out to the Isle and have a few scoops on me. The boys drove out in the charabanc to Daft Eddies and ordered up. And so down to work putting the documents in perspective. McDole got out the accordian and started to wail When heart is open there's loads from Ballygowan to Ballyhacamore. He spun round on one leg, grabbing Spike by the lapels, You're terrible you are. You blurt. He put away six doubles of Jameson from the bar and sank into a deep apathetic slumber, mumbling Blinkin' Cowboys, Blinkin' Cowboys...
------------------------------------------------------------
Van wrote this (originally published as part of the liner notes of the LP version of A Sense of Wonder), and included an instrumental of the same name on that album. Some of the text from this piece also appears in the lyrics for A Sense of Wonder.

song performed by Van Morrison
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Montreal Maree

You've heard of Belching Billy, likewise known as Windy Bill,
As punk a chunk of Yukon scum as ever robbed a sluice;
A satellite of Soapy Smith, a capper and a shill,
A slimy tribute-taker from the Ladies on the Loose.
But say, you never heard of how he aimed my gore to spill
(That big gorilla gunnin' for a little guy like me,)
A-howlin' like a malamute an' ravin' he would drill
Me full of holes and all because of Montreal Maree.

Now Spike Mahoney's Bar was stiff with roarin' drunks,
And I was driftin' lonesome-like, scarce knowin' what to do,
So come I joined a poker game and dropped a hundred plunks,
And bein' broke I begged of Spike to take my I.O.U.
Says he: "Me lad, I'll help ye out, but let me make this clear:
If you you don't pay by New year's day your wage I'll garnishee."
So I was broodin' when I heard a whisper in my ear:
"What ees zee trouble, leetle boy?" said Montreal Maree.

Now dance-hall gels is good and bad, but most is in between;
Yeh, some is scum and some is dumb, and some is just plumb cold;

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poem by Robert William Service
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