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Dont talk about my mom

Dont talk about her
Dont talk about my mom
Dont talk about something you dont know
Just go and leave me alone
I dont need your sympathy
I dont need your lies
I dont want to see your aligator tears
Hey aunty its a fact that she wasnt with me and she didnt raise me
But she is my hero
She is my supermam

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I Dont Want To See You Again

(jackson leap)
I dont want to see you
cause I dont want to feel you
Dont look so surprised
I told you that Id say good-bye
If you couldnt just make up your mind
You keep saying love can wait
But I cant and its too late
This old heart has just run out of time
I dont want to see you
cause I dont want to feel you
I dont want a love that I cant win baby
I dont want you to call
cause if I cant have it all
I dont want to see you again
When your new life gets you down
Dont be tempted to come around
Just think of all the times I let you slide
And when your teardrops finally come
Youll realize that Im the one
But I wont be there when its your turn to cry
I dont want to see you
cause I dont want to feel you
I dont want a love that I cant win baby
I dont want you to call
cause if I cant have it all
I dont want to see you
I dont want to see you
I dont want to feel you
I dont want a love that I cant win baby
I dont want you to call
cause if I cant have it all
I dont want to see you again

song performed by Martina McbrideReport problemRelated quotes
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Baby I don’t want to see you again

Baby I don’t want to see your face
Baby I don’t want to see your dress
And I don’t want to see you again
Cause now your everything gives me pain!

Baby I don’t want to kiss your lips
Now I don’t want any of your tips
And I don’t want to see you again
Cause now your everything gives me pain!

Baby I don’t want to touch your skin
Baby I know, you know what I mean
And I don’t want to see you again
Cause now your everything gives me pain!

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I Dont Want To See Tomorrow

(wayne/morris)
(I dont want to see tomorrow,
Unless I see it with you.)
Tomorrow, so they say
Will be a lovely day,
A bright new sun will suddenly break through,
But I dont want to see tomorrow,
Unless I see it with you.
Tomorrow, so I hear
The clouds will disappear,
The door to happiness will open wide.
But I dont want to see tomorrow,
Unless youre there by my side.
Dont want to walk alone,
Dont want to dream alone,
Just want you close to my heart.
For if your love is gone,
How can I face the dawn of
Sunday, or monday?
I just cant face one day...
Until you say youre mine,
Oh, darling, please be mine
And make each bright tomorrow young and new.
But I dont want to face tomorrow
Unless I see it with you.
(tomorrow, so I hear
The clouds will disappear,
The door to happiness will open wide.)
But I dont want to see tomorrow,
Unless I see it with you.

song performed by Nat King ColeReport problemRelated quotes
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I Dont Want To Go

(released as b-side of its in your eyes single, 1996)
I dont want to see you go
Theres too much to say.
But its gone on for too long
I know how much it hurts to hear
You show it and I know it
So theres no reason for the tears.
I dont want to see you go
Dont want to see you cry.
cos Ive been there and I know it
How much it hurts being left behind
If you hold on, just be strong
Therell come a time.
All things will come to pass, you know
All things will come around
I see your bags are packed
I guess that means you wont be back
Theres nothing left could keep me chained
To get you, bring you back again.
If you hold on, wont be long
Well find our time and place once more
Just hold tight, its alright
Weve been here before.
All things will come to pass, you know
All things will come around.
But if you dont want to stay, say goodbye
My numbers on your wall
cos Ive been there and Ive seen it
Its there beside those other guys
So keep it, you may need it
Theres no more reason for the lies.

song performed by Phil CollinsReport problemRelated quotes
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I Dont Want To Do It

Looking back upon my youth--
The time I always knew the truth.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to say goodbye.
To go back in the yard and play--
If I could only have another day.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to make you cry.
To go back
On the hill beside the track
And try to concentrate.
All in all the places that I want to be,
No, it shows you that I could not wait.
So come back into my arms again.
This love of ours, it has no end.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to make you cry.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to say goodbye.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to see you cry.
To go back
On the hill beside the track
And try to concentrate.
All in all the places that I want to be,
No, it shows you that I could not wait.
So come back into my arms again.
This love of ours, it has no end.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to say goodbye.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to say goodbye.
I dont want to do it.
I dont want to make you cry.

song performed by George HarrisonReport problemRelated quotes
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I Dont Want To Talk About It

(danny whitten, 1977)
I can tell by your eyes that youve probbly been cryin forever,
And the stars in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
Blue for the tears, black for the nights fears.
The star in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke this ol heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.

song performed by Rod StewartReport problemRelated quotes
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I Dont Want To Hear It Anymore

(randy newman)
In my neighbourhood
We dont live so good
The rooms are small
And the buildings made of wood
I hear the neighbours talking bout you and me
I guess I heard it all
cause the talk is loud
And the walls are much too thin
He dont really love her
Thats what I heard them say
He sure wasnt thinking of her today, oh no
(he wasnt thinking of her today)
I saw them in the front yard
Said the boy in room 149
He was talking to a girl Ive never seen before
And standing there together, oh they looked so good
I dont want to hear it anymore
(I dont want to hear it)
I dont want to hear it anymore
(anymore)
cause the talk just never ends
And the heartache soon begins
The talk is so loud
And the walls are much too thin
Aint it sad, said the woman down the hall
That when a nice girl falls in love
Aint it just too bad that she had to fall
For a boy who doesnt care for her at all?
(its so sad)
I dont want to hear it anymore
(I dont want to hear it)
I just cant stand to hear it anymore
(anymore)
cause the talk just never ends
And the heartache soon begins
The talk is so loud
And the walls are much too thin
I dont want to hear it anymore
(cant stand to hear it)
(dont want to hear it)
I just cant stand to hear it anymore
(dont talk about it)
(cant stand to hear it)
Oh, baby, baby
I just cant stand

song performed by Dusty SpringfieldReport problemRelated quotes
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Best way to keep a secret is tell it, just like that – mixes in with all the other palaver – nobody’s gonna listen, believe you or even care: the Secret

told the lady behind the counter
at the deli that I’m crazy and she just laughed and said no! But it’s true I really am crazy
And she said you don't look crazy
And I said no I don't suppose I do
That's part of my problem though I look normalwhateverthatis but I’m not
I walk around in a world of normal people and every once in a while I have to poke someone and tell them I’m not in the same world as they are and then they don't think I’m crazy
but that I am crazy for saying so

And she leaned over at me finally and said
What is it you are crazy weeth? And I said

I’m bi-polar. You know, manic-depressive?

And her eyes glazed over like the hams and salami
You don't know what that is do you? I said
And she said
No I don't know. What is that? And I said

That's what I am, I’m manic-depressive
Andshesaid in hersweetest sleepy-eyed droopy-eyelid limpid voice
I’m sorry I’m very sorry you're … whatever it is you said...

I tell you what (she said) ! ! Get far away! Just get away from it all for a while! Take a vacation when's the last time you took a vacation?

Go drive somewhere in your car even if you don't know where you're going!
and I said i can't get away from myself I’m sorry

I have to take me with myself wherever I go he goes and I come
I go and he comes I wish I could...

Then I realized this was just too much about me and my words trailed off

What vacation did she want to/ need to take! ? What was crazy when crazy really came to her? What was it for her to speak her heart to a stranger?

What did all my words spun and flung so carelessly bite into I didn't know this lady

So I said well, yea, you know I’ll do that

And she smiled it meant a lot that’s what you have to give when you're
In yourself
Gave her the response she needed to hear
heart to heart
Appreciate it really- your idea- I’ll do it!
I’m gonna try and do that

And by the way
don't mind all my crazy talk
You know, I’m just a little crazy

And she said no! And I said yes! No! Yes! Ha haha

I am

And I could hear myself and how I must sound to her
Like some bothersome man who needs the attention - lonely most likely like men get when they think about it and probably - more than likely
They had too much liquor
The alcohol- and the way they talk
because they're drunk - they talk around women
And can’t see the barriers and can't see that they're seen sloppy drunk they say

Don't pay me any mind, I’m just crazy
And then they tap the sides of their head like it'll rattle
and they grin
that awkward, hanging grin
When their lips and tongue are thick their heads spinning and the room is turning around them

And he thinks I’m putting on a pretty good show
I’m drunk and I know it
Don’t show it too much

Want to be loose but not too loose and lose their respect and he thinks in the far back of what’s left functioning in that mind he's pickling

That because he can't see straight
that nobody else can either

But knowing they’re pretty drunk they stumble and sway towards the door because you don't score women when you're drunk
You just have some fun
And practice the lines you're too introverted to say sober you have some fun and kill another night

Stumbling and waving as they go thinking for the life of them
I’m crazy to be this drunk but I’m a crazy guy

Until they wake up the next morning and find out they're not crazy at all just sick

And it's the same-ol same-ol: job, wife or kids a pale sheet pulled over the world of lights and fancy

But I wake up the next day (woke up one day, that is) and find out
(found out)

No hang over just a spill-over
a continuation of what I thought had been a bad experience
and now it’s just my life
and life just kind of flip-flopped on me in the night

So I turned around walked away from the nice lady iknewjustasmidgenbetter in the deli
to tap the side of my head and grinned at her
a wide but fading grin
attempting to leer

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I Dont Want To Mention Any Names

(larry cordle, lisa palas)
Ive got a story to tell, would you mind listening.
I can always count on
You were such good friends.
And I need to talk about my situation and
Youre the only one wholl understand.
Now someones got designs on my baby.
Shes making her intentions very plain.
We both know this ole gal
That Im talking about, but I dont
Want to mention any names.
Well shes asked him to slow dance way too often.
Shes made suggestions I dont
Like at all. Im trying to let her know that
Im wise to her game, but i
Dont wanna mention any names.
Well I can understand why shed want him.
Oh youve even said yourself hes quite a prize.
Shes about a good of friend as you are.
Come to think about it shes just about your size.
If she dont back off theres gonna be some trouble.
Im prepared to make that very plain.
I sure hope Ive said enough, and just between the two of us.
Repeat chorus

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My true story about myself

People stop ordering me around. I am only one person, yet you treat me like I am twelve people. I can only do one thing at a time. I am sorry I am really slow. I am only a child, I'm still trying to be kid while I have a chance. But, you see you people give me the responsibility of an adult. I am tired of ruining my plans, to do adult things. I don't want a perfect childhood but I would like a nice one where I would be able to do teenager things. I want to be a normal child, even if I am not. You people are driving me crazy with all these do this, do that. I'm sorry, but if this a normal childhood, I rather be dead. I feel like that when I try to talk nobody could hear me. I could scream and nody would hear me. I am invisable. Besides who would want to see a girl who has no mother, a father she never sees, who is a nobody, who can't make a difference, who is hideous, who can't do anything right, who is ashamed for everything she is? Sometimes I think about killing myself, actually I do it a lot. It's just I am so tired of being used. I am used one way or the other. I always wonder what would happen if I die. Would anybody care? Would anybody even notice? NO! Yes I know I made mistakes. but isn't the point of life, is make mistakes and learn from them. I know I made a lot, but I would never take any of them back. I don't care anymore about what other people say. I am just so tired of this. I can't live like this much longer. There has to be a change, and quick. To tell you the truth, I even thought about running away. I don't know where I would go. I do know is that I would never return. I'm sick of having responsibility of an adult, and everybody tells me to be a kid. HOW? When I'm constantly cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cooking, school, school, homework, cleaning, cooking? Can I please have a break once in a while. I am begging you. What did I do to deserve this? I think I have a right to know.

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She Killed Him

From a distanced, i hear her voice
I dont want to take a chance
im going to listing to her
She is laying on the grond crying
but im too busy not paying attention
not listening to her cry her heart out
she shouldve thout about it
she shouldve been aware
i tried to tell her
i tried to tell her he's no good
laying on the floor
laying on the bloody floor
waiting for the cops to come
With a knife in his chest and
a bullet in his head
Just like that he's dead
But it was forr her own good
he was gunna rape her again
'no more' she said 'hes not doing it again'
now a 15 year old girl commits MURDER

well i dont think its murder
do u? ? ? ? ? ?

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I Dont Know Why I Bother With Myself

I dont know why I bother with myself
Im a fool , Ive taken no advice
And Im so cruel , Im talkin to you nice
But then again you may not take me back
Oh just to put my hat back on your rack
Guess I dont know why I bother with myself
You will find a part of me in someone else
I never argued with the fact that she is mine
I only hurt her and kissed her three times out of nine
You have the edge to talk to men and make them feel at home
You spent that every lasting cent on someone thats not your own
Bear with me theres bound to be a chance
To heal the wound and start back our romance
I gained a heart and part of it is yours
Oh just to see my love walk through these doors
Oh and my lifes bound out ahead , I can not look
And if you read me , then I am just a book
You dont care if rain falls in my room
You wont be there if trouble fills my spoon
Im just a clown that plays around with misery in my way
Forgetting all the rules of love ....(fade)

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I Dont Want To Lose You

You left this morning on an early plane
You left your picture behind to haunt me
You left in a steady rain
You say youll miss me, say you want me
Im left this mornin with a world of doubt
Im left this mornin indecently exposed
So much we never did talk about
And your kiss goodbye, said the case is closed
(chorus)
I dont want to lose you
I dont want to lose the best love that Ive ever found
Dont want to lose you
Why didnt I cry when you said goodbye
Why didnt I break down, break down and say
I dont want to lose you
We met last night in a public place
And your new lover was just across the street
But tears washed across your face
Girl I wanted to, hold you close to me
I dont want to lose you
I dont want to lose the best love that Ive ever found
Dont want to lose you
Why didnt I cry when you said goodbye
Why didnt I break down, break down
I remember all the things that we did
The warmth of your smile
And your tender touch
I always knew I cared about you girl
I just didnt know how much
(solo)
(chorus)

song performed by Reo SpeedwagonReport problemRelated quotes
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Sunrise

Ive been waiting to hear your voice for too long now
One way conversations do not work somehow
Tell me how does one get your soul in touch with the one above
When one way conversations pay a price for the use of love
I tried so hard last night you would not talk to me
I live with the fear of the few with the gift
And I know whats going to be
Why did you never speak my name in front of my family
You gave a gift that you then took away
Like you never did before
Your name might be God but you dont say that much to me
Your name might be God but you dont say that much to me
We might be your black sheep
But you forgot us a long time ago
We might be your lost sheep
But its time you remembered us now
As we spend our days together, nothing can go wrong
No one told the truth about it because it was so strong
If you ever think of me, if you hear my name
If you read between the lines, youll hang your head in shame
These ? ? ? ears will never hear, the ice will never freeze
Whatever I have done for you I did because you complained
( whatever you may think of me whatever you may say
Ive lived my whole life in danger,
Youve lived your life in hate )*

song performed by New OrderReport problemRelated quotes
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Someone Keeps Moving My Chair

Mr. horrible
Mr. horrible
Telephone call for mr. horrible
But before he can talk to the ugliness men
Theres some horrible business left
For him to attend to
Something unpleasant has spilled on his brain
As he sponges it off they say
Is this horrible?
Is this horrible?
Its the ugliness men, mr. horrible
Were just trying to bug you
We thought that our dreadfulness
Might be a thing to annoy you with
But mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair
Would you mind if we balance this glass of milk
Where your visiting friend accidentally was killed?
Would it be okay with you if we wrote a reminder
Of things well forget to do today otherwise,
Using a green magic marker, if its alright
On the back of your head?
Mr. horrible
Mr. horrible
Were not done with you yet mr. horrible
You have to try on these pants so the ugliness men
Can decide if theyre just as embarrassing as we think
We have to be sure about this
But mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair
Someone keeps moving my chair
Mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair

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Christmas In Capetown

Every night
In jungletown
All the boogies in the street
Radios turned up very loud
Playin dancing queen
They love our music
This english girl from the north somewhere
Is stayin with me at my place
Drinkin up all my beer
Talkin about the poor niggers all the time
Its a real disgrace, she says
I tell her, darling, dont talk about things
You dont understand
I tell her, darling, dont talk about something
You dont know anything about
I tell her, darling, if you dont like it here
Go back to your own miserable country
Its christmas in cape town but it aint the same
Oh, the boys on the beach are still blowin
And the summer wind still kicks the clouds around
You know my little brother, babe
Well, he works out at the diamond mine
I drove him out there at five this mornin
The niggers were waitin in a big long line
You know those big old lunch pails they carry, man
With a picture of star wars painted on the side
They were starin at us real hard with
Their big ugly yellow eyes
You could feel it
You could feel it
Its christmas in cape town but it aint the same
The stores are open all the time
And little kids on skateboards cut in and out of the crowd
And the christmas lights still shine
Myself, I dont like to drink the way
I used to, man, you know
It dont seem to get me high
And the beer dont taste the way it
Ought to taste somehow
And I dont know why
Dont talk to me about the planes
Man, Ive heard it
Just take a look around
What are we gonna do, blow up
The whole damn country?
Its christmas in cape town
Its christmas in cape town
Its christmas in cape town

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Youre Not Alone

Girl youre so sad
He was the very first love you had
But he hurt your heart real bad
He just let your feelings a stray
And on a holiday
Go ahead and cry
Let me clear each tear from your eye
And maybe sing you a lullaby
Let my heart beat be your guide
To a cure inside
I know that its oh so hard to let go
Give yourself time to heal take it slow
Lets talk as the rainbow colored lights make the tree glow
Im your friend
I will be here for you till the end
cause I dont want wanna see you hurt again
I can be the key for your heart to mend
Chorus:
cause baby youre not alone
The pain in your heart is strong
Baby let me hold you in my arms
Let me be your protector from harm
cause no one should be alone
On christmas
How could he do
Such a thing to one as good as you?
Gave him your all
And I know that its true
Had a gem and didnt know what to do
But baby Im here to tell you that
Im yours if you want me
These feelings Ive held in too long
Youve been on my mind
Girl you know Ill never lie
Love is so kind
I opened a prayer
That by the lords grace you would come my way
And receive love that wont go away
Celebrate this occasion
With gifts of joy on his birthday
On this night
Ill fill all your empty spaces inside
As the snow falls Ill make it alright
cause this day is for sharing
And no one should be without some one caring
Chorus
Mikes monolauge:
Girl this christmas you wont be alone
You dont have to cry
You dont have to worry about a thing
All the gifts that you wanted this year
Are yours
You dont have to worry about him no more
cause hes gone
Dont live in the past baby
Im your future
All the feelings that I have
Are here for you
Anything that I can do
To take away any problem
That you may have or have had
Im here
Just say michael
And this christmas is yours
Chorus (repeats three times)

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About This Stuff Called Writing

Upon reading the poem

about a childless woman
My friend Sol wrote

I am truly sorry for reading
About such a delicate issue

And she emails

“Did you write it because I have offended you and the childless woman? ”

I am truly sorry”

I e-mail her back; there was no offense,

as it was not really about us
The little boy who died a long time ago was not


About us,

I was surprised
That poem
Was not meant to be

a certain Apathy

it is not about us
it is not us

it is about them

Such is a poem
is meant for a

certain kind of empathy
it is no apathetic
it is not about a sickness into death
it is not about
a 'mind-you-own-business'
but it was meant to be

'we-feel-what- you -all -feel'


It is empathy
it is reincarnation to the bodies
Of other people
it is going
into life
into the lives of other people
into life
into salvation

a life in those moving fingers of a new born baby
the same moving fingers that give you the hint of of life to
a hit-and-run victim
a while ago comatose

a life a breath a hush
for persons
not just people

(specially for those whom we love much
that if they die
we want to die
with them
and we
keep saying without them
life has no meaning at all)


And we
Become them
the childless couple that was not us
the hit-and-run-victim that layed long unnamed in the morgue
that baby that was blue all over because of a congenital heart defect

they were buried
and we say we were buried with them

we have duties and obligations though
as we watch and stand for those who remain here

empathy
that is empathy

Every part of them: the nose, the eyes, the brain, the trachea,
The butt, the hands, every nerve every vein every corpuscle

we become them
we join in their mission

We become the air that they breathe
We breathe
We penetrate the other completely
to

Every part of them: the nose, the eyes, the brain, the trachea,
The butt, the hands, every nerve every vein every corpuscle

The apology then was wrongly worded
And was wrongly sent
The dog has waggled its tail
To the wrong master
the dog has barked to the wrong tree

Hence I reject the apology

because the tragedy and the sorrow are not about us
it is them
we only become them because

we empathize
we allow ourselves to be a part of them in the process

Or whatever excuse
It was not for us
It was for them

We are merely the wires
Through which
The unseen electrons pass
an in the process we generate light and power
For others
For this dark world

The danger lurks when for lack
Of understanding about the mechanics

Of apathy and its
distinction with empathy

between us making a living
and between them that we try to appease

You touch us in careless passion
And for lack of understanding about compassion
You are shaken
Unnecessarily

And who knows
In due time
You too shall become
Us

in utter exercise of empathy

And that would be enough

i know there is something that you did not understand
life shall tell in the process
and life shall tell you all about it before everything is ended.

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Patrick White

Trying To Put Some Distance

Trying to put some distance between myself and my past
is like trying to stale-mate a cloud with a mountain
by resorting to the last hope of all experienced liars,
objectivity. Third person singular pronouns,
he, she, it. Shipping containers from alien places
stacked neatly on the dock
like coffins and cord wood
you can talk and write about as if
you weren't buried in anyone of them
and none of the stowaways
and none of the illegal immigrants
and none of the corpses
were anymore related to you
than Cantonese graffiti from Seattle that rode the rails
all the way to Jakarta like one long sentence
about something you dreamed last night in your sleep.
Somebody's else's views in somebody elses' language.
You can stand on one side of the tracks
in the red glare of the most serious-minded lights
at the road block with the crossed swords
and half-bored with waiting for things to pass
read the story of your life on the sides
of the train going past gene by gene
in the most unlikely couplings of a chromosome.
You can read your own genome
like beads in the rosary you're kneading
between your thumb and your forefinger
as if you were counting the prophetic skulls
of the full moons that have passed
without any sign of a harvest on an abacus.
You can hide your past under the death mask of someone else.
You can play scrabble with the sign of the zodiac
you were born under,
you can rearrange your stars
and lie to your scars about which among many wounds
was their real birth mother,
you can spin a new myth of origin like a changeling
to explain why your axis is tilted beneath the equator
but when you're finishing patching over to another gang
and you've got new top and bottom rockers
and a brand new mandala on your back to empower you
and your winding down the Malahat on Vancouver Island
that writhes along the side of the mountain
like a snake with its head pinned by your front wheel fork
two hundred feet above the tiny eyelids
of the waves with the white lashes
on the surface of the sea below,
thinking of Jefferson Airplane's
tongue in cheek retort to John Donne
that no man's an island.
He's the Saanich Peninsula
though they didn't say Saanich
but if the peninsula fits wear it
and that's where I was at the time.
You can tear the wire you've been wearing
like the narrative of your life
as if your own mind were listening in on you
from another room in the hotel across the street
and your silence would still provide enough evidence
to prosecute you for living outside the box
instead of just sitting in it
and trying to think of a way out.
All those improbable entrances with impossible exits
you walked through to change your life irreparably
like some crude street rendition
of the Eleusinian Mysteries in Edmonton
just to verify your right to exist
in a world that rejected its own extremities
like the left hand of fate and circumstance.
And it wasn't so much the actuality you were after,
that would come of its own accord
like an apple after the blossom,
but just the mere chance
of being someone you weren't
who wasn't burnt and bitter
wary, angry, cruelly clear-sighted
as a spider-mount on a telescope
waiting to catch stars in the webs
of the glimmering constellations
they mistook for dreamcatchers.
Every cubic centimetre of me back then
as dense and intense as a black dwarf
that sucked all the light out of the air
so that even in broad daylight
I always felt this darkness within me
like a night too heavy for the world to bear.
My mind was always a wavelength shy of a snake pit
when I was around other people
that hadn't been chronically humiliated
by growing up poor
and my heart would condemn itself out of hand
just to deny them the privilege
of doing it for themselves eventually
and to show them the difference between
a passive scapegoat and a demonized pariah
that wouldn't hesitate to use his horns
on any matador of the moon
who thought he had the crescents for it.
Alone under the microscope
I furnished my solitude like a habitable planet
with converging mindstreams
that carried me out to sea
like an empty lifeboat
drifting down the Milky Way
like a leaf, like a poem, like
a deep insight into the radiance of nothing
as soon as it got dark enough to see the stars.
Out of the void I sought shelter in
emerged a truce of aloof familiars
who were multilingually conversant
with my kind of madness and imagination.
And I called them Azazel, Blue Flower, Black Dog,
Dead Dog's Dream Self, Character and Womanpit,
and of the ones that appeared the most benign
one was a mystically empowered altruistic idiot,
one was the tabla rasa Adamic blank slate of everyman
and one the female sister demon of my right brain
that was dark and artistic and long-suffering.
And of the first magnitude black hole constellations
with eyes like dice pricked out like fang marks
on an occult starmap of dark matter,
one was a Satanic standard bearer
who had gone from being a scapegoat
to being the master of a Renaissance of evil
with the Machiavellian curiosity of a reptile
intrigued by its deepening insight into mammals
and the other two were the black farces
of their own burnt out legends
passively-aggressive as extinct volcanoes
growling at each other
in the nightmare of their waking hours
like fortune-cookies strung out along the same fault line
like junkies who rage at the futures
that keeping give up on them
like a species that knows its endangered
all the way from southern California
through West Vancouver up to Alaska.
There's a big part of everyone
that wasn't born of man or woman
when they're alone with their own cartoons
and the mythic inflation and deflation of themselves
makes them feel the whole universe
is breathing along in unison with them
between rapturous moments of solar exhilaration
and dead seabeds of lunar depression
like a musician with his finger on the pulse
of the copulating wavelengths
of a blues guitar in heat at high tide
he's going to ride out like providence into the flood.
These were my Sahaba,
my lost tribe of desert companions,
the nightwinds that came all wrapped in black
like lone Tuareg out of the southern Libyan Sahara
like dark energy in a whirlwind of stars
ready to kill you from a great distance
for drawing the waters of life
out of one of their wells
without tribal consent.
And who knows what flows down into the mind
from what mountaintops
or through the valleys of whose heart before you?
Maybe there's some leftover starlight in the mix
and the taste of a full moon
lingering on the tongue of a corpse
like a coin some loved one put there
like a sacred syllable to protect it against the dark.
And the tears of someone you never knew
for things you're not aware of
crying like a waterclock from life to life
like the dream theme of a mindstream
that keeps the whole thing together
like the loose thread of a flying carpet
that just keeps on unravelling.
Life is a geriatric medium with a young message.
The oasis mentors the mirage
like a dance company rehearses Swan Lake.
Dark matter is strung out through the universe
like a junkie neurally connected to the same mind
we all are the way water is to intelligence and lucidity.
We're all drinking from the same mindstream
in our own skull.
And when I pass mine around
like a sacred chalice of the moon
around a common fire
to each of my familiars and anti-selves
thrown together in this desert of stars
like symbols that made a habit of each other
for mutual survival,
the big question
that's always greeted with silence
is whether life's an exorcism or a seance.
Were we driven out of somewhere
we all long for
for things we can't recall
to never be summoned back,
or were we invited here
by an anonymous unresponsive host
possessed by his own imagination
to guess at who or what he might be
so the hidden secret can know itself
in every one of us?
And I ask myself creatively
is the potential for darkness
greater than the reality of light?
Is the one infinite
and the other doomed to be exhausted
by living it one insight at a time
some with the lifespan of stars
some like fireflies and lightning
some in the shadows of black walnut trees
and some like me
who dream under the eyelids of past eclipses
like a dragon who once swallowed
a black cosmic egg whole
to bring rain to the new moon
without putting its ancient root fires out?

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Part V

It is the young man shatters silence first.
"Well, my lord—for indeed my lord you are,
I little guessed how rightly—this last proof
Of lordship-paramount confounds too much
My simple head-piece! Let's see how we stand
Each to the other! how we stood i' the game
Of life an hour ago,—the magpies, stile
And oak-tree witnessed. Truth exchanged for truth—
My lord confessed his four-years-old affair—
How he seduced and then forsook the girl
Who married somebody and left him sad.
My pitiful experience was—I loved
A girl whose gown's hem had I dared to touch
My finger would have failed me, palsy-fixed;
She left me, sad enough, to marry—whom?
A better man,—then possibly not you!
How does the game stand? Who is who and what
Is what, o' the board now, since an hour went by?
My lord's 'seduced, forsaken, sacrificed'—
Starts up, my lord's familiar instrument,
Associate and accomplice, mistress-slave—
Shares his adventure, follows on the sly,
—Ay, and since 'bag and baggage' is a phrase—
Baggage lay hid in carpet-bag belike,
Was but unpadlocked when occasion came
For holding council, since my back was turned,
On how invent ten thousand pounds which, paid,
Would lure the winner to lose twenty more,
Beside refunding these! Why else allow
The fool to gain them? So displays herself
The lady whom my heart believed—oh, laugh!
Noble and pure: whom my heart loved at once,
And who at once did speak truth when she said
'I am not mine now but another's'—thus
Being that other's! Devil's-marriage, eh?
'My lie weds thine till lucre us do part?'
But pity me the snobbish simpleton,
You two aristocratic tip-top swells
At swindling! Quits, I cry! Decamp content
With skin I'm peeled of: do not strip bones bare—
As that you could, I have no doubt at all!
O you two rare ones! Male and female, Sir!
The male there smirked, this morning, 'Come, my boy—
Out with it! You've been crossed in love, I think:
I recognize the lover's hangdog look;
Make a clean breast and match my confidence,
For, I'll be frank, I too have had my fling,
Am punished for my fault, and smart enough!
Where now the victim hides her head, God knows!'
Here loomed her head, life-large, the devil knew!
Look out, Salvini! Here's your man, your match!
He and I sat applauding, stall by stall,
Last Monday—'Here's Othello' was our word,
'But where's Iago?' Where? Why, there! And now
The fellow-artist, female specimen—
Oh, lady, you must needs describe yourself!
He's grea in art, but you—how greater still
—(If I can rightly, out of all I learned,
Apply one bit of Latin that assures
'Art means just art's concealment' )—tower yourself!
For he stands plainly visible henceforth—
Liar and scamp: while you, in artistry
Prove so consummate—or I prove perhaps
So absolute an ass—that—either way—
You still do seem to me who worshipped you
And see you take the homage of this man
Your master, who played slave and knelt, no doubt,
Before a mistress in his very craft . . .
Well, take the fact, I nor believe my eyes,
Nor trust my understanding! Still you seem
Noble and pure as when we had the talk
Under the tower, beneath the trees, that day.
And there's the key explains the secret: down
He knelt to ask your leave to rise a grade
I' the mystery of humbug: well he may!
For how you beat him! Half an hour ago,
I held your master for my best of friends;
And now I hate him! Four years since, you seemed
My heart's one love: well, and you so remain!
What's he to you in craft?"

She looks him through.

"My friend, 'tis just that friendship have its turn—
Interrogate thus me whom one, of foes
The worst, has questioned and is answered by.
Take you as frank an answer! answers both
Begin alike so far, divergent soon
World-wide—I own superiority
Over you, over him. As him I searched,
So do you stand seen through and through by me
Who, this time, proud, report your crystal shrines
A dewdrop, plain as amber prisons round
A spider in the hollow heart his house!
Nowise are you that thing my fancy feared
When out you stepped on me, a minute since,
—This man's confederate! no, you step not thus
Obsequiously at beck and call to help
At need some second scheme, and supplement
Guile by force, use my shame to pinion me
From struggle and escape! I fancied that!
Forgive me! Only by strange chance,—most strange
In even this strange world,—you enter now,
Obtain your knowledge. Me you have not wronged
Who never wronged you—least of all, my friend,
That day beneath the College tower and trees,
When I refused to say,—'not friend but, love!'
Had I been found as free as air when first
We met, I scarcely could have loved you. No—
For where was that in you which claimed return
Of love? My eyes were all too weak to probe
This other's seeming, but that seeming loved
The soul in me, and lied—I know too late!
While your truth was truth: and I knew at once
My power was just my beauty—bear the word—
As I must bear, of all my qualities,
To name the poorest one that serves my soul
And simulates myself! So much in me
You loved, I know: the something that's beneath
Heard not your call,—uncalled, no answer comes!
For, since in every love, or soon or late
Soul must awake and seek out soul for soul,
Yours, overlooking mine then, would, some day,
Take flight to find some other; so it proved—
Missing me, you were ready for this man.
I apprehend the whole relation: his—
The soul wherein you saw your type of worth
At once, true object of your tribute. Well
Might I refuse such half-heart's homage! Love
Divining, had assured you I no more
Stand his participant in infamy
Than youI need no love to recognize
As simply dupe and nowise fellow-cheat!
Therefore accept one last friend's-word,—your friend's,
All men's friend, save a felon's, Ravel out
The bad embroilment howsoe'er you may,
Distribute as it please you praise or blame
To me—so you but fling this mockery far—
Renounce this rag-and-feather hero-sham,
This poodle clipt to pattern, lion-like!
Throw him his thousands back, and lay to heart
The lesson I was sent,—if man discerned
Ever God's message,—just to teach. I judge—
Far to another issue than could dream
Your cousin,—younger, fairer, as befits—
Who summoned me to judgment's exercise.
I find you, save in folly, innocent.
And in my verdict lies your fate; at choice
Of mine your cousin takes or leaves you. 'Take!'
I bid her—for you tremble back to truth!
She turns the scale,—one touch of the pure hand
Shall so press down, emprison past relapse
Farther vibration 'twixt veracity—
That's honest solid earth—and falsehood, theft
And air, that's one illusive emptiness!
That reptile capture you? I conquered him:
You saw him cower before me! Have no fear
He shall offend you farther! Spare to spurn—
Safe let him slink hence till some subtler Eve
Than I, anticipate the snake—bruise head
Ere he bruise heel—or, warier than the first,
Some Adam purge earth's garden of its pest
Before the slaver spoil the Tree of Life!

"You! Leave this youth, as he leaves you, as I
Leave each! There's caution surely extant yet
Though conscience in you were too vain a claim.
Hence quickly! Keep the cash but leave unsoiled
The heart I rescue and would lay to heal
Beside another's! Never let her know
How near came taint of your companionship!"

"Ah"—draws a long breath with a new strange look
The man she interpellates—soul a-stir
Under its covert, as, beneath the dust,
A coppery sparkle all at once denotes
The hid snake has conceived a purpose.

"Ah—
Innocence should be crowned with ignorance?
Desirable indeed, but difficult!
As if yourself, now, had not glorified
Your helpmate by imparting him a hint
Of how a monster made the victim bleed
Ere crook and courage saved her—hint, I say,—
Not the whole horror,—that were needless risk,—
But just such inkling, fancy of the fact,
As should suffice to qualify henceforth
The shepherd, when another lamb would stray,
For warning 'Ware the wolf!' No doubt at all,
Silence is generosity,—keeps wolf
Unhunted by flock's warder! Excellent,
Did—generous to me, mean—just to him!
But, screening the deceiver, lamb were found
Outraging the deceitless! So,—he knows!
And yet, unharmed I breathe—perchance, repent—
Thanks to the mercifully-politic!"

"Ignorance is not innocence but sin—
Witness your own ignoring after-pangs
Pursue the plague-infected. Merciful
Am I? Perhaps! the more contempt, the less
Hatred; and who so worthy of contempt
As you that rest assured I cooled the spot
I could not cure, by poisoning, forsooth,
Whose hand I pressed there? Understand for once
That, sick, of all the pains corroding me
This burnt the last and nowise least—the need
Of simulating soundness. I resolved—
No matter how the struggle tasked weak flesh—
To hide the truth away as in a grave
From—most of all—my husband: he nor knows
Nor ever shall be made to know your part,
My part, the devil's part,—I trust, God's part
In the foul matter. Saved, I yearn to save
And not destroy: and what destruction like
The abolishing of faith in him, that's faith
In me as pure and true? Acquaint some child
Who takes yon tree into his confidence,
That, where he sleeps now, was a murder done,
And that the grass which grows so thick, he thinks,
Only to pillow him is product just
Of what lies festering beneath! 'Tis God
Must bear such secrets and disclose them. Man?
The miserable thing I have become
By dread acquaintance with my secret—you
That thing had he become by learning me
The miserable, whom his ignorance
Would wrongly call the wicked: ignorance
Being, I hold, sin ever, small or great.
No, he knows nothing!"

"He and I alike
Are bound to you for such discreetness, then.
What if our talk should terminate awhile?
Here is a gentleman to satisfy,
Settle accounts with, pay ten thousand pounds
Before we part—as, by his face, I fear,
Results from your appearance on the scene.
Grant me a minute's parley with my friend
Which scarce admits of a third personage!
The room from which you made your entry first
So opportunely—still untenanted—
What if you please return there? Just a word
To my young friend first—then, a word to you,
And you depart to fan away each fly
From who, grass-pillowed, sleeps so sound at home!"

"So the old truth comes back! A wholesome change,—
At last the altered eye, the rightful tone!
But even to the truth that drops disguise
And stands forth grinning malice which but now
Whined so contritely—I refuse assent
Just as to malice. I, once gone, come back?
No, my lord! I enjoy the privilege
Of being absolutely loosed from you
Too much—the knowledge that your power is null
Which was omnipotent. A word of mouth,
A wink of eye would have detained me once,
Body and soul your slave; and now, thank God,
Your fawningest of prayers, your frightfulest
Of curses—neither would avail to turn
My footstep for a moment!"

"Prayer, then, tries
No such adventure. Let us cast about
For something novel in expedient: take
Command,—what say you? I profess myself
One fertile in resource. Commanding, then,
I bid—not only wait there, but return
Here, where I want you! Disobey and—good!
On your own head the peril!"

"Come!" breaks in
The boy with his good glowing face. "Shut up!
None of this sort of thing while I stand here
—Not to stand that! No bullying, I beg!
I also am to leave you presently
And never more set eyes upon your face—
You won't mind that much; butI tell you frank—
I do mind having to remember this
For your last word and deed—my friend who were!
Bully a woman you have ruined, eh?
Do you know,—I give credit all at once
To all those stories everybody told
And nobody but I would disbelieve:
They all seem likely now,—nay, certain, sure!
I daresay you did cheat at cards that night
The row was at the Club: 'sauter la coupe'—
That was your 'cut,' for which your friends 'cut' you;
While I, the booby, 'cut'—acquaintanceship
With who so much as laughed when I said 'luck!'
I daresay you had bets against the horse
They doctored at the Derby; little doubt,
That fellow with the sister found you shirk
His challenge and did kick you like a ball,
Just as the story went about! Enough:
It only serves to show how well advised,
Madam, you were in bidding such a fool
As I, go hang. You see how the mere sight
And sound of you suffice to tumble down
Conviction topsy-turvy: no,—that's false,—
There's no unknowing what one knows; and yet
Such is my folly that, in gratitude
For . . . well, I'm stupid; but you seemed to wish
I should know gently what I know, should slip
Softly from old to new, not break my neck
Between beliefs of what you were and are.
Well then, for just the sake of such a wish
To cut no worse a figure than needs must
In even eyes like mine, I'd sacrifice
Body and soul! But don't think danger—pray!—
Menaces either! He do harm to us?
Let me say 'us' this one time! You'd allow
I lent perhaps my hand to rid your ear
Of some cur's yelping—hand that's fortified,
Into the bargain, with a horsewhip? Oh,
One crack and you shall see how curs decamp!
My lord, you know your losses and my gains.
Pay me my money at the proper time!
If cash be not forthcoming,—well, yourself
Have taught me, and tried often, I'll engage,
The proper course: I post you at the Club,
Pillory the defaulter. Crack, to-day,
Shall, slash, to-morrow, slice through flesh and bone!
There, Madam, you need mind no cur, I think!"

"Ah, what a gain to have an apt no less
Than grateful scholar! Nay, he brings to mind
My knowledge till he puts me to the blush,
So long has it lain rusty! Post my name!
That were indeed a wheal from whipcord! Whew!
I wonder now if I could rummage out
Just to match weapons—some old scorpion-scourge!
Madam, you hear my pupil, may applaud
His triumph o'er the master. I—no more
Bully, since I'm forbidden: but entreat—
Wait and return—for my sake, no! but just
To save your own defender, should he chance
Get thwacked thro' awkward flourish of his thong.
And what if—since all waiting's weary work—
I help the time pass 'twixt your exit now
And entry then? for—pastime proper—here's
The very thing, the Alburn, verse and prose
To make the laughing minutes launch away!
Each of us must contribute. I'll begin—
'Hail calm acclivity, salubrious spot!'
I'm confident I beat the bard,—for why?
My young friend owns me an Iago—him
Confessed, among the other qualities,
A ready rhymer. Oh, he rhymed! Here goes!
Something to end with 'horsewhip'! No, that rhyme
Beats me; there's 'cowslip,' 'boltsprit,' nothing else!
So, Tennyson take my benison,—verse for bard,
Prose suits the gambler's book best! Dared and done!"

Wherewith he dips pen, writes a line or two,
Closes and clasps the cover, gives the book,
Bowing the while, to her who hesitates,
Turns half away, turns round again, at last
Takes it as you touch carrion, then retires.
The door shuts fast the couple.

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