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A Walk Among the Tombstones [Kenny Tells Scudder about His Wife's Kidnapping]

Cast: Liam Neeson, Dan Stevens

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Punch Up At 'Dart Man's Aim

Fifteen stone and just five foot eight
And yet he doesn't seem overweight
Deep, deep chest and shoulders wide
The strongest in this countryside.

He's the mighty Dan the frog
From the house beside the bog
Swarthy looking with raven hair
A happy man without a care.

He's no plans to take a wife
As he prefers the single life
And he's still a young man anyway
Just twenty five on his last birthday

Froggy is his dad's nickname
And that's from where the name frog came
But his nickname of frog he doesn't appreciate
In fact the word called frog he's grown to hate.

Fastest man for miles around
To part with the green back pound
In him you'll find nothing cheap
Money he can't seem to keep.

He's a happy sort of bloke
Happy even when he's broke
He's got the right mentality
Never down, always carefree.

Likes his guinness doesn't like beer
Drinks his liquor with good cheer,
Whiskey makes the man walk tall
And he likes whiskey best of all.

He is merciful though strong
And without good reason won't do wrong
But do him wrong and he will fight
And with his fists he'll put things right.

He'd prefer to crack your jaw
Than chastise you with the law
Solves his problems like a man
That's the way it is with Dan.

And though when need arise he can be hard
Dan the frog is no blaghguard
But his type you don't kick around
As men like him do not yield ground

[...] Read more

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Ambrose Bierce

Metempsychosis

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

ST. JOHN _a Presidential Candidate_
MCDONALD _a Defeated Aspirant_
MRS. HAYES _an Ex-President_
PITTS-STEVENS _a Water Nymph_

_Scene_-A Small Lake in the Alleghany Mountains.

ST. JOHN:

Hours I've immersed my muzzle in this tarn
And, quaffing copious potations, tried
To suck it dry; but ever as I pumped
Its waters into my distended skin
The labor of my zeal extruded them
In perspiration from my pores; and so,
Rilling the marginal declivity,
They fell again into their source. Ah, me!
Could I but find within these ancient hills
Some long extinct volcano, by the rains
Of countless ages in its crater brimmed
Like a full goblet, I would lay me down
Prone on the outer slope, and o'er its edge
Arching my neck, I'd siphon out its store
And flood the valleys with my sweat for aye.
So should I be accounted as a god,
Even as Father Nilus is. What's that?
Methought I heard some sawyer draw his file
With jarring, stridulous cacophany
Across his notchy blade, to set its teeth
And mine on edge. Ha! there it goes again!

_Song, within_.

Cold water's the milk of the mountains,
And Nature's our wet-nurse. O then,
Glue thou thy blue lips to her fountains
Forever and ever, amen!

ST. JOHN:

Why surely there's congenial company
Aloof-the spirit, I suppose, that guards
This sacred spot; perchance some water-nymph
Who laving in the crystal flood her limbs
Has taken cold, and so, with raucous voice
Afflicts the sensitive membrane of mine ear
The while she sings my sentiments.
_(Enter Pitts-Stevens.)_

[...] Read more

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The Tearful Tale Of Captain Dan

A sinner was old Captain Dan;
His wives guv him no rest:
He had one wife to East Skiddaw
And one to Skiddaw West.

Now Ann Eliza was the name
Of her at East Skiddaw;
She was the most cantankerous
Female you ever saw.

I don’t know but one crosser-grained,
And of this Captain Dan
She was the wife at Skiddaw West—
She was Eliza Ann.

Well, this old skeesicks, Captain Dan,
He owned a ferryboat;
From East Skiddaw to Skiddaw West
That vessel used to float.

She was as trim a ferry-craft
As ever I did see,
And on each end a p’inted bow
And pilothouse had she.

She had two bows that way, so when
She went acrost the sound
She could, to oncet, run back ag’in
Without a-turnin’ round.

Now Captain Dan he sailed that boat
For nigh on twenty year
Acrost that sound and back ag’in,
Like I have stated here.

And never oncet in all them years
Had Ann Eliza guessed
That Dan he had another wife
So nigh as Skiddaw West.

Likewise, Eliza Ann was blind,
Howas she never saw
As Dan he had another wife
Acrost to East Skiddaw.

The way he fooled them female wives
Was by a simple plan
That come into the artful brain
Of that there Captain Dan.

[...] Read more

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The Feast

Mari kita memulai kisah
Tentang sang raja dan sang singa
Anak manusia dan penguasa rimba
Dari padang rumput mereka terlahir
Dengan kebanggaan dan harapan
Dengan bahaya dan cobaan
Jauh, jauhkan dahulu kedengkian itu
Kita buka dengan babak penuh kedamaian
Menghisap embun pagi yang sama
Menatap dunia baru dengan mata terbuka
Alangkah manis pemandangan mereka yang tak berdosa
Lalu perjumpaan sederhana di tepi kolam
Di mana surga dan neraka amatlah tipis bedanya
Tempat kau mengangkat taring untuk musuh
Atau mencakar lembut tangan sahabat
Bermain bersama di sela-sela semak
Berguling penuh debu di bawah sinar matahari terik
Sungguhkah mereka akan menjadi raja dan singa
Tubuh yang tumbuh menjadi sempurna
Pikiran yang terjalin menjadi pemahaman
Gerbang kedewasaan mengantar mereka pada perpisahan
Peraturan istana dan insting liar
Demi kekuasaan dan harga diri
Mereka tidak berpisah dengan air mata
Karena mereka diajari untuk tidak menangis
Mereka berpisah dengan darah
Tradisi dan perburuan
Pembantaian dan penghinaan
Sang singa mengaum dengan keras
Dengan surainya yang kini lebat terurai
Sementara sang raja terpencil
Di tahtanya yang dingin dan sorak sorai penonton
Mereka merindukan masa-masa itu
Masa saat mereka bertatapan tanpa penuh kebencian
Dan bilamana bulu keemasan itu tiba di pangkuan sang raja
Sang raja menandai pemerintahannya
Dan sang singa mati demi sahabatnya
Ini bukanlah cerita yang perlu diratapi
Baik sang raja maupun sang singa

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Prince Liam the Brave

Young Liam loved Orange
and liked to wear ties.
To his firehouse friends
He was one of the guys.

He had his own locker
a slicker and hat.
He also had cancer,
and a bad one at that.

From early on in his life
he fought neuroblastoma;
An invasive tumor
a metastatic carcinoma.

His family who loved him
labored to save
their dear little child
Prince Liam the Brave.

He faced surgery bravely,
engaged in his fight..
He endured radiation,
Chemo and knife.

When many a New Yorker
complains about stress,
Prince Liam was stoic
When put to the test.

Then just before Christmas
he had a relapse
He became neutrapenic-
His immune system collapsed.

With blood in his urine
And a spot on his lung
Liam grew weak.
his defenses undone.

An Amethyst stone
he received from a friend -
his talisman of hope
that he held to the end.

There are brave fire fighters
Who’ll be fighting back tears
Brave Prince Liam has died,
He lived only six years

[...] Read more

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O'Toole And McSharry

In the valley of the Lachlan, where the perfume from the pines
Fills the glowing summer air like incense spreading;
Where the silent flowing river like a bar of silver shines
When the winter moon it pallid beams is shedding;
In a hut on a selection, near a still and silent pool,
Lived two mates, who used to shear and fence and carry;
The one was known near and far as Dandy Dan O'Toole
And the other as Cornelius McSharry.

And they'd share each other's blankets, and each other's horses ride,
And go off together shearing in the summer;
They would canter on from sunrise to the gloaming, side by side,
While McSharry rode the Barb and Dan the Drummer.
And the boys along the Lachlan recognised it as a rule
From Eugowra to the plains of Wanandarry,
That if ever love was stronger than McSharry's for O'Toole
'Twas the love O'Toole extended to McSharry.

And their love might have continued and been constant to the end
And they might have still been affable and jolly,
But they halted at a shanty where the river takes a bend,
And were waited on by Doolan's daughter, Polly.
Now, this pretty Polly Doolan was so natty, neat and cool
And so pleasant that they both agreed to tarry,
For she winked her dexter eyelid at susceptible O'Toole,
While she slyly winked the other — at McSharry.

So they drank her health in bumpers till the rising of the moon,
And she had them both in bondage so completely
That each time they talked of going she said, "Must you go so soon?"
And they couldn't go, she smiled at them so sweetly.
Dan O'Toole grew sentimental and McSharry played the fool,
Though they each had sworn an oath they'd never marry,
Yet the self-same dart from Cupid's bow that vanquished Dan O'Toole
Had gone through the heart of honest Con McSharry.

Then McSharry thought if Dandy Dan got drunk and went to bed,
He (McSharry) could indulge his little folly,
And Dan thought if McSharry once in drunken sleep lay spread,
He could have a little flirt with pretty Polly;
So they kept the bottle going till they both were pretty full,
And yet each rival seemed inclined to tarry;
The precise amount of pain-killer it took to fill O'Toole,
Was required to close the optics of McSharry.

So the rivals lost their tempers and they called each other names
And disturbed the Doolan children from their pillows,
And when Doolan came and told them that he wouldn't have such games,
They must go and fight it out beneath the willows.
So they went beneath the willows, near a deep and shady pool,

[...] Read more

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Blazing Through All Precedents

Blazing through all precedents,
Supreme Court Justices have customarily abused
omnipotence until as decedents
they are compelled by death, an act of God, to be recused.

Of corporate money there’s no dearth
in politics, said John Paul Stevens, arguing in dissent;
decisions with some moral worth
are lacking in the Highest Court, should have been his lament.

Inspired by a comment by Justice John Paul Stevens, cited by Adam Liptak in an article on him in the NYT, January 25,2010 (“After 34 Years, a Plainspoken Justice Gets Louder”) :
The Supreme Court announced its big campaign finance decision at 10 in the morning last Thursday. By 10: 30 a.m., after Justice Anthony M. Kennedy had offered a brisk summary of the majority opinion and Justice John Paul Stevens labored through a 20-minute rebuttal, a sort of twilight had settled over the courtroom. It seemed the Stevens era was ending. Justice Stevens, who will turn 90 in April, joined the court in 1975 and is the longest-serving current justice by more than a decade. He has given signals that he intends to retire at the end of this term, and his dissent on Thursday was shot through with disappointment, frustration and uncharacteristic sarcasm.He seemed weary, and more than once he stumbled over and mispronounced ordinary words in the lawyer’s lexicon — corruption, corporation, allegation. Sometimes he would take a second or third run at the word, sometimes not. But there was no mistaking his basic message. “The rule announced today — that Congress must treat corporations exactly like human speakers in the political realm — represents a radical change in the law, ” he said from the bench. “The court’s decision is at war with the views of generations of Americans.”..
“It is difficult to convey how thoroughly egregious counsel’s closing argument was, ” Justice Stevens wrote of a defense lawyer’s work. “Suffice it to say that the argument shares far more in common with a prosecutor’s closing than with a criminal defense attorney’s. Indeed, the argument was so outrageous that it would have rightly subjected a prosecutor to charges of misconduct.” In the second case, Justice Stevens did vote to uphold the death sentence, saying that even a closing argument worthy of Clarence Darrow would not have spared the defendant. That carefully calibrated distinction was of a piece with the view he announced in 2008 in Baze v. Rees, when he said he had come to the conclusion that the death penalty violates the Eighth Amendment. But he went on to say that his conclusion did not justify “a refusal to respect precedents that remain a part of our law.”


1/25/10

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Puisi Sembilan Tabiat Cinta

Sembilan Tabiat Cinta


I.
Musim-musim hampiri cintaku. Padamu tak sempat kutitip rindu. Hujan pergi tinggalkan basah daunan. Aroma kembang menyemerbak ke udara. Tak ada wangi cintaku di sana. Segersang rindu di matamu akan diriku. Dahaga sepi dan nyerinya tertahan di atas sebidang dadaku. Resah bibirmu, terlampau suram kujamah warnanya. Apa kau tak mendengar degup musim menghujam jantung cintaku. Di sana rindu membiru di bibir waktu. Sebiru resahmu.

II.
Aku tulis tabiat cinta ini dengan ingatan terpenggal musim hujan. Terkambang bah di sungai coklat, terapung di selat kecil ditinggalkan para pengumpul pasir. Tak ada sauh tak ada jangkar untuk kulempar biar perahu waktu berhenti. Sebab laju perahu, nyeri gelombang lautan yang menderita di jantungku. Maka kutulis tabiat cinta ini atas nama rasa yang kurasa kesejukannya setiap embun jatuh seperti matamu menatapku.

III.
Aku mencintaimu bukan tanpa perhitungan, meski belum sepenuhnya tepat waktu. Tetapi aku tidak tergesa-gesa. Itulah sebabnya cintaku mengalir tenang. Serupa capung-capung senjahari terbang di atas hamparan padi menguning.

IV.
Cintaku hidup dari udara pagi di lembah-lembah, sawah dan ladang. Berhembus ke samudra mencipta awan. hujan deras adalah kesetiaanku padamu. Kesetiaan musim pada kesejukan. Dan apabila badai dan banjir datang itulah cemburu batinku yang sialan. Apa kau tak merasa ada kehidupan diantara jarak kita memandang?

V.
Kepadamu aku mencari kekuatan hidup dengan segala kesadaran dan fitrah kemanusiaan. Lalu cinta kubangkitkan di dalamnya dengan tangan-tangan api dan air. Hawa panas dan dingin adalah nafasku. Apa kau tak merasa hembusnya kekasih?

VI.
Tak ada kuasa untuk cinta. Jika ketakutan hadir sebab cemburu. Aku bicara dari lubuk bumi. Meski tak ada pohon bicara. Engkaulah maha pendengar kata-kata yang menjelma dedaunan dan reranting subur. Aku tersiksa oleh cinta. Kau tentu tak sudi mengurai air mata, ketika luka batinku menjeritkan nyeri letusan berapi. Tetapi, biarlah lahar panas menyulap rinduku.

VII.
Kita selalu bicara tentang cinta, nestapa, dan impian sejak pertemuan pertama. Meneguk anggur sampai mabuk, hingga kesadaran tunai di persimpangan menuju hidupmu-menemu hidupku. Kita sepakat lupakan segala, madu dan darah kita, lalu kita penuhi dengan air raksa.

VIII.
Cintaku, rasa sakit dari masa lalu, tak terasa oleh nyeri hari ini untuk masa depan.

IX.
Mari kita berdoa satu sama lain.

Yogyakarta,2011-2012

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Dan's Wife

Up in early morning light,
Sweeping, dusting, 'setting right,'
Oiling all the household springs,
Sewing buttons, tying strings,
Telling Bridget what to do,
Mending rips in Johnny's shoe,
Running up and down the stair,
Tying baby in her chair,
Cutting meat and spreading bread,
Dishing out so much per head,
Eating as she can by chance,
Giving husband kindly glance;
Toiling, working, busy life,--
Smart woman,
Dan's wife.

Dan comes home at fall of night,
Home so cheerful, neat, and bright;
Children meet him at the door,
Pull him in and looked him o'er;
Wife asks how the work has gone.
'Busy times with us at home!'
Supper done, Dan reads with ease,--
Happy Dan, but one to please!
Children must be put to bed--
All the little prayers are said;
Little shoes are placed in rows,
Bedclothes tucked o'er little toes;
Busy, noisy, wearing life,--
Tired woman,
Dan's wife.

Dan reads on and falls asleep--
See the woman softly creep;
Baby rests at last, poor dear,
Not a word her heart to cheer;
Mending-basket full to top,
Stockings, shirt, and little frock;
Tired eyes and weary brain,
Side with darting, ugly pain;
'Never mind, 'will pass away,'
She must work, but never play;
Closed piano, unused books,
Done the walks to easy nooks,
Brightness faded out of life,--
Saddened woman,
Dan's wife.

Upstairs, tossing to and fro,
Fever holds the woman low;

[...] Read more

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Omamori

Hai, para kekasih
Lindungilah cintamu
Dengan kepercayaan dan kesetiaan
Bukan dengan cemburu dan harga diri

Hai, para orang tua
Lindungilah anakmu
Dengan pengertian dan kasih sayang
Bukan dengan perintah dan larangan

Hai, para sahabat
Lindungilah temanmu
Dengan ketulusan dan doa
Bukan dengan rasa kasihan dan ikatan sumpah

Hai, para pemimpin
Lindungilah rakyatmu
Dengan rasa aman dan kesempatan
Bukan dengan ketakutan dan pengekangan

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Old Dans Records

Get out old dans records
Get out old dans records
We will dance the whole night long
Its fun to play the old time songs
If old dan could see us now
I know hed be so proud
Bring out old dans records
Bring out old dans records
I remember my aunt bea
Shed dance with dan till two or three
If old dan could see he now
I know hed shout out loud
Dig out old dans records
Bring out old dans records
Were all here, weve all got dates
Well dance all night to the seventy-eights
If old dan could see us now
I know hed be so proud
If old dan were with us still
I know hed come around
Get out old dans records
Dig out old dans records
Back to nineteen thirty-five
The foxtrot, jitterbug n jive
If old dan could see us now
I know hed be so proud
Get out old dans records
Bring out old dans records
High above the fireplace
Theres a smile on old dans face
If old dan could see us now
I know hed be so proud
If old dan were with us still
I know hed come around

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Fancy Dan

Roy orbison/ joe melson
Well fancy dan, hes a bright young man
Hes a lover
Well fancy dan, hes ahead of the clan
Hes a lover
Well the words around that all the boys in town
Are gonna tear his playhouse down
But that dont bother young dan, hes not a fighting man
Hes the swingingest lover around
Well dont underestimate fancy dan
Hes the leader of a local band
Dont you dare leave your baby alone
Hes a modern pied piper on the saxophone
Well fancy dan, man oh man
Hes a smoothie
Well fancy dan, dont you understand
Hes groovy
Well the boys dont like him but the girlies do
And thats all a part of the plan
Theyre looking for a romance and they havent a chance
In the arms of fancy dan
Well fancy dan, round and round he goes
Where he stops, nobody knows
You better not leave your baby alone
When he plays come to me on his saxophone

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Holy Dan

It was in the Queensland drought;
And over hill and dell,
No grass – the water far apart,
All dry and hot as hell.
The wretched bullock teams drew up
Beside a water-hole –
They’d struggled on through dust and drought
For days to reach this goal.
And though the water rendered forth
A rank, unholy stench,
The bullocks and the bullockies
Drank deep their thirst to quench.

Two of the drivers cursed and swore
As only drivers can.
The other one, named Daniel,
Best known as Holy Dan,
Admonished them and said it was
The Lord’s all-wise decree;
And if they’d only watch and wait,
A change they’d quickly see.

’Twas strange that of Dan’s bullocks
Not one had gone aloft,
But this, he said, was due to prayer
And supplication oft.
At last one died but Dan was calm,
He hardly seemed to care;
He knelt beside the bullock’s corpse
And offered up a prayer.

"One bullock Thou has taken, Lord,
And so it seemeth best.
Thy will be done, but see my need
And spare to me the rest!"

A month went by. Dan’s bullocks now
Were dying every day,
But still on each occasion would
The faithful fellow pray,
"Another Thou has taken, Lord,
And so it seemeth best.
Thy will be done, but see my need,
And spare to me the rest!"

And still they camped beside the hole,
And still it never rained,
And still Dan’s bullocks died and died,
Till only one remained.
Then Dan broke down – good Holy Dan

[...] Read more

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Jonah’s Luck

OUT OF LUCK, mate? Have a liquor. Hang it, where’s the use complaining?
Take your fancy, I’m in funds now—I can stand the racket, Dan.
Dump your bluey in the corner; camp here for the night, it’s raining;
Bet your life I’m glad to see you—glad to see a Daylesford man.
Swell? Correct, Dan. Spot the get up; and I own this blooming shanty,
Me the fellows christened ‘Jonah’ at Jim Crow and Blanket Flat,
’Cause my luck was so infernal—you remember me and Canty?
Rough times, those—the very memory keeps a chap from getting fat.

Where’d I strike it? That’s a yarn. The fire’s a comfort—sit up nearer.
Hoist your heels, man; take it easy till Kate’s ready with the stew.
Yes, I’ll tell my little story; ’tain’t a long one, but it’s queerer
Than those lies that Tullock pitched us on The Flat in ’52.
Fancy Phil a parson now! He’s smug as grease, the Reverend Tullock.
Yes, he’s big—his wife and fam’ly are a high and mighty lot.
Didn’t I say his jaw would keep him when he tired of punching mullock?
Well, it has—he’s made his pile here. How d’you like your whisky—hot?

Luck! Well, now, I like your cheek, Dan. You had luck, there’s no denying.
I in thirty years had averaged just a wage of twenty bob—
Why, at Alma there I saw men making fortunes without trying,
While for days I lived on ’possums, and then had to take a job.
Bah! you talk about misfortune—my ill-luck was always thorough:
Gold once ran away before me if I chased it for a week.
I was starved at Tarrangower—lived on tick at Maryborough—
And I fell and broke my thigh-bone at the start of Fiery Creek.

At Avoca Canty left me. Jim, you know, was not a croaker,
But he jacked the whole arrangement—found we couldn’t make a do:
Said he loved me like a brother, but ’twas rough upon a joker
When he’d got to fight the devil, and find luck enough for two.
Jim was off. I didn’t blame him, seeing what he’d had to suffer
When Maginnis, just beside us, panned out fifty to the tub.
‘We had pegged out hours before him, and had struck another duffer,
And each store upon the lead, my lad, had laid us up for grub.

After that I picked up Barlow, but we parted at Dunolly
When we’d struggled through at Alma, Adelaide Lead, and Ararat.
See, my luck was hard upon him; he contracted melancholy,
And he hung himself one morning in the shaft at Parrot Flat.
Ding it? No. Where gold was getting I was on the job, and early,—
Struck some tucker dirt at Armstrong’s, and just lived at Pleasant Creek,
Always grafting like a good ’un, never hopeless-like or surly,
Living partly on my earnings, Dan, but largely on my cheek.

Good old days, they like to call them—they were tough old days to many:
I was through them, and they left me still the choice to graft or beg—
Left me gray, and worn, and wrinkled, aged and stumped—without a penny—
With a chronic rheumatism and this darned old twisted leg.
Other work? That’s true—in plenty. But you know the real old stager

[...] Read more

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Dalam Rindu

Bersamamu
Lalui hari-hari itu
Arungi lautan waktu
Dalam lagu

Dan cintaku
Sepertinya takkan layu
Bila kau tetap di hatiku
Dalam rindu

Kasihku
Kuingin sedikit kau tahu
Betapa berharga dirimu
Dalam hidupku

Tapiku
Tak ingin selalu menunggu
Gelisah dan tak menentu
Dalam ragu

Bersamamu
Meski kadang terasa pilu
Bagai tertusuk sembilu
Jiwaku sendu

Dan cintaku
Kuatkan raga dan jiwaku
Hadapi hari kelabu
Hujan dan salju

Kasihku
Coba kau dengarkan aku
Jangan terus hindariku
Lihat diriku

Karna ku
Tak ingin selalu terpaku
Hanya diam dan mengadu
Dalam kalbu

Akankah
Kau hapus semua gundah
Bagaikan sebuah anugerah
Ataukah itu hanya kata-kata indah

Kasihku
Kuingin sedikit kau tahu
Betapa berharga dirimu
Dalam hidupku

[...] Read more

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Hidupkah Kau

Hidupkah kau untuk mengeluh
Dari terbitnya matahari hingga terbenam
Tentang kehidupan yang tak memuaskan
Dirimu yang selalu menginginkan kenyamanan
Ataukah terbersit sekali dalam pikiranmu
Untuk sejenak sedikit bersyukur
Tentang kehidupan yang masih kau punya saat ini
Bersama dengan harta yang mungkin kau tak sadari
Karena kau sibuk mengeluh
Dan lupa untuk menghargai dan menjaga hal itu

Hidupkah kau untuk meminta
Dari buaian bayi hingga ke liang kubur
Agar dirimu diutamakan
Dan tak juga belajar bersabar
Ataukah terbersit sekali dalam keinginanmu
Untuk berusaha sendiri
Lepas dari belas kasihan orang lain
Agar dirimu tak perlu lagi mengiba
Untuk memperoleh apa yang kau inginkan
Karena kau sibuk meminta
Dan lupa memberi dan memperbaiki hal itu

Hidupkah kau untuk mencela
Dari ujung bumi hingga dasar samudera
Menuding orang melakukan kesalahan
Dan mengangkat tinggi dagumu dengan sombong
Ataukah terbersit sekali dalam hatimu
Untuk sebentar saja bercermin
Memandang kembali segala persoalan
Dengan kepala jernih tanpa prasangka
Karena kau sibuk mencela
Dan lupa untuk belajar dan memahami hal itu

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What Forest Gump Really Wanted to Say

Lt. Dan…This here is my Jenny.
She's a sluts.
I like sluts Lt. Dan.
There the only kind that will sleep with me.

My Jenny doesn't smell like cigarettes.
I hate cigarettes.
I like chocolate.
Some women are like chocolate Lt. Dan.

I like when my Jenny wears her guitar.
She plays real well.
But I don't like it when she plays me.
My Jenny's a whore.

But I like whores Lt. Dan.
I like shrimp.
But I don't like crabs.
My Jenny always tries to give me crabs.

Remember when I got shot in the buttock, Lt. Dan?
I don't like things in my ass.
But my Jenny does...you know why, Lt. Dan?
'Cause she's a hoe.

I like Dark chocolate Lt. Dan.
But my great-great-grandfather doesn't like dark chocolate.
He founded the KKK.
They wear them pretty hoods.

I wanted to join a club too like my grand-dad.
But the Panthers said I was a cracker and couldn't join.
I like crackers Lt. Dan.
Crackers are better than crabs.

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A Dan Yell

I WISH I’d never gone to board
In that house where I met
The touring lady from abroad,
Who mocks my nightmares yet.
I wish—I wish that she had saved
Her news of what she’d seen—
That Dan O’Connor is clean shaved
And parts his hair between.

The ladies down at Manly now—
And widows understood—
No more deplore their marriage vow
Or hopeless widowhood.
For Dan O’Connor is the same
As though he’d never been,
Since Daniel shaved that shave of shame,
And combed his hair between.

No more, Oh Bards, in Danyel tones
He’ll voice our several fames,
And nevermore he’ll mix our bones
As once he mixed our names.
Let Southern minstrels dree their weird
And lay their sad harps down,
For Dan O’Connor’s shorn of beard
And cracked across the crown.

The lobby and refreshment room
Are shorn of half their larks,
A newer ghost now haunts the gloom
That knew the ghost of Parkes:
The brightest joke Australia had
Is but a hopeless grunt—
It went for ever mad and bad
When Daniel shaved his front.

The fair Spotswhoshky weeps indeed—
Frogsleggi and Bung Lung—
With none to greet and none to speed
Them in their native tongue!
By Sucklar Key nor Golden Gate
No Dan is ever seen
Since Dan O’Connor wiped his “slate”
And notched his top between.

But—Dan O’Connor—(Lord knows best
The thing might be a sell)—
You surely will forgive a jest
From one who wished you well—
When we’ve forgot the face we feared

[...] Read more

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Dan Wasn’t Thrown from His Horse

THEY SAY he was thrown and run over,
But that is sheer nonsense, of course:
I taught him to ride when a kiddy,
And Dan wasn’t thrown from his horse.

The horse that Dan rode was a devil—
The kind of a brute I despise,
With nasty white eyelashes fringing
A pair of red, sinister eyes.

And a queerly-shaped spot on his forehead,
Where I put a conical ball
The day that he murdered Dan Denver,
The pluckiest rider of all.

’Twas after the races were over
And Duggan (a Talbragar man)
And two of the Denvers, and Barney
Were trying a gallop with Dan.

Dan’s horse on a sudden got vicious,
And reared up an’ plunged in the race,
Then threw back his head, hitting Dan like
A sledge-hammer, full in the face.

Dan stopped and got down, stood a moment,
Then fell to the ground like a stone,
And died about ten minutes after;
But they’re liars who say he was thrown.

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Laf zijn is in!

Laf is in, Laf heeft zin.
Kijk naar rechts als
er links bedrogen wordt.
Neem steeds de grootste lap
biefstuk van het grote bord.

Als iemand wordt geslagen
kijk dan gerust omhoog.
Als iemand start met vragen
loop dan maar om hem met een boog.

Als iemand 'Help' roept bij 't verzuipen
loop dan nooit in zeven sloten.
Als iemand door velen belaagd
heeft hij er vast zelf om gevraagd.

Als de buren veel te luid
spreek het dan vooral niet uit
en zet de radio maar gauw op tien.
Als er gestolen wordt
doe je zelf dan niets te kort
maar doe gewoon alsof je niets hebt gezien.

Als de buurvrouw wordt verkracht
zal ze vast weer een Thriller zitten kijken
dat mens is te luidruchtig
ze moet gewoon niet zeiken.

Als er iemand Van de brug
springen wil
roep die dan niet terug
dat is zo kil.

Als er twintig mensen zien
hoe er iemand wordt neergestoken
tel dan eventjes tot tien.
Wees geduldig met jezelf
voel je niet schuldig.

Ben Laf, dat heeft echt zin
want Laf zijn dat is In.

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