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My experience in Iraq made me realize, and during the recovery, that I could have died. And I just had to do more with my life.

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The Border Town

An old caballero with his worn out sombrero
came riding into town.
The town had been banished. Everyone vanished.
It seems there was no one around.

The buildings were broken. No words were heard spoken.
Everyone now was all gone.
He'd once had a wife here and children with life here.
The banditos had come, killed and rode on.

He'd been away. He'd gone hunting that day
and returned to the grisly sight.
He'd buried his wife and his bambinos three
and rode away into the night.

He lived with the thought that he could have fought
if only he had been there.
The thought had ruined him and it consumed him
It was more than he could bear.

The shot from the gun was heard by no one.
He died right next to their grave.
He'd prayed to his God to forgive him
and that his soul He would save.
.

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Roadside Reminiscence

The sun was shinning and no cloud cover
Was in view. Few cars this early traversed
The road making my ride decidedly
Safer and serene. I couldn’t contrive
In my mind a more beautiful Sunday.
I was consciously consumed; contented
When suddenly I spotted something steel-
Gray not far ahead of me. At first I
Thought that it was the usual soft-shoulder
Debris. The closer I came it became
Clear to me what it was, a dead gray bird.
I stopped my bike, dismounted and approached
It. I stooped and lifted the lifeless thing.
Still warm to the touch, that it could have died
A moment ago. Suddenly saddened
By this find a feeling of guilt arose
Within me. Not knowing the nuances,
With bird in hand I began to bemoan
A rush of muted memories flooding
My senses. I stood there alone; alive
Knowing somewhere, someone or some thing soon
Would suffer the same funereal fate.
Guilty because I live to love this day
Sans mother, father, brother and sister.
A cumulus cloud snuck across the sun
Further darkening my melancholy.
I grudgingly gazed down at my fleshy
Bier, still cradling the feathery corpse.
The cloud continued its eternal course
Across the sunlit sky showering me
With prodigious, radiant rays once more.
I knelt and scooped a shallow roadside grave
And placed the little lifeless bird inside
While elegiac verses passed my lips.
As the last of the moistened earth covered
The unmarked grave I gave thanks to my God
For this solemn Sunday reminiscence.

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Of All The Hearts

(byron hill/j. remington wilde)
Of all the hearts
In this big ol world
Please tell me
Why did you hav to break mine
For every tear Ive cried
There must be a million fools
That could have caught your eye
What were the odds
That you and I would meet
We were just strangers
On a crowded street
Of all the hearts
That you could have loved
And left oh
Why did you have to be mine
Whatever made you
Choose me above the rest
Is there some unlucky
Charm that I possess
Of all the hearts
In this big ol world
Please tell me
Why did you have to break mine
Oh why did it have to be mine

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If Only The Hills And Trees Could Speak

if only the hill and trees could speak
it could have told you, how stupid and foolish have you been

waking up too early and doing all the things that others could have done for you
feeding the lazy ones, giving flowers to the uncaring, writing letters unanswered

loving much where they love you not, writing poems to cyberspace, thinking that
the stars too distant from you glisten to listen

and you speak to all these trees and hills that do not speak to you
and you write all these inanimate silence a letter: i know what love is and i keep on loving no matter what, for unlike you i am animated with love itself,
for love touches and speaks and cares and always wanting to be infinite.

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Are You Ever Lonely?

Are you ever lonesome and don't know why?
Are you ever lonesome just like I?
A room full of people all at my side
and still the loneliness is unidentified.
Where does it come from?
Why is it here?
I thought we were only lonely
when no one is near.

I think the loneliness comes from before,
from a time in our past when we were sure
that what it is we do would never be through.
It would always be alive and part of you.
Why couldn't it stay?
Why isn't it here?
'Cause times are a changing.
That's why my dear.

But all that loneliness makes you reflect
and brings you back to how you connect
with what made you happy,
what made you, you.
All of the things that you could do.
And this is why you're lonely sometime.
'Cause when you are younger
you are still in your prime.
But, eventually the time for loneliness
will be your sign
for reflection.

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Ambrose Bierce

California

Why should he not have been allowed
To thread with peaceful feet the crowd
Which filled that Christian street?
The Decalogue he had observed,
From Faith in Jesus had not swerved,
And scorning pious platitudes,
He saw in the Beatitudes
A lamp to guide his feet.

He knew that Jonah downed the whale
And made no bones of it. The tale
That Ananias told
He swore was true. He had no doubt
That Daniel laid the lions out.
In short, he had all holiness,
All meekness and all lowliness,
And was with saints enrolled.

'Tis true, some slight excess of zeal
Sincerely to promote the weal
Of this most Christian state
Had moved him rudely to divide
The queue that was a pagan's pride,
And in addition certify
The Faith by making fur to fly
From pelt as well as pate?

But, Heavenly Father, thou dost know
That in this town these actions go
For nothing worth a name.
Nay, every editorial ass,
To prove they never come to pass
Will damn his soul eternally,
Although in his own journal he
May read the printed shame.

From bloody hands the reins of pow'r
Fall slack; the high-decisive hour
Strikes not for liars' ears.
Remove, O Father, the disgrace
That stains our California's face,
And consecrate to human good
The strength of her young womanhood
And all her golden years!

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Childhoods End?

(fish / marillion)
And it was morning
And I found myself mourning, for a childhood that I thought had disappeared
I looked out the window
And I saw a magpie in the rainbow, the rain had gone Im not alone
I turned to the mirror, I saw you, the child, that once loved
The child before they broke his heart
Our heart, the heart that I believed was lost
Hey you, surprised?
More than surprised, to find the answers to the questions, were always in your own eyes
Do you realize that you give it on back to her?
But that would only be retraced in all the problems that you ever knew
So untrue
For shes got to carry on with her life, and youve got to carry on with yours
So I see its me, I can do anything
And Im still the child
cos the only thing misplaced was direction
And I found direction
There is no childhoods end
There is no childhoods end
Cos you are my childhood friend
Cos you are my childhood friend
Oh lead me on
Hey you, youve survived
Now youve arrived, to be reborn in the shadow of the magpie
Now you realize, that youve got to get out of here
Youve found the leading light of destiny, burning in the ashes of your memory
You want to change the world
Youd resigned yourself to die a broken rebel
But that was looking backward
Now youve found the light
You, the child that once loved
The child before they broke his heart
Our heart, the heart that I believed was lost
So its me I see, I can do anything
Im still the child
cos the only thing misplaced was direction, and I found direction
There is no childhoods end
There is no childhoods end
There is no childhoods end
I am your childhood friend
Oh, lead me on

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To Fletcher Reviv'd

How have I bin religious? what strange good
Has scap't me, that I never understood?
Have I hel-guarded Haeresie o'rthrowne?
Heald wounded states? made kings and kingdoms one?
That FATE should be so merciful to me,
To let me live t' have said I have read thee.

Faire star, ascend! the joy! the life! the light
Of this tempestuous age, this darke worlds sight!
Oh, from thy crowne of glory dart one flame
May strike a sacred reverence, whilest thy name
(Like holy flamens to their god of day)
We bowing, sing; and whilst we praise, we pray.

Bright spirit! whose aeternal motion
Of wit, like Time, stil in it selfe did run,
Binding all others in it, and did give
Commission, how far this or that shal live;
Like DESTINY of poems who, as she
Signes death to all, her selfe cam never dye.

And now thy purple-robed Traegedy,
In her imbroider'd buskins, cals mine eye,
Where the brave Aetius we see betray'd,
T' obey his death, whom thousand lives obey'd;
Whilst that the mighty foole his scepter breakes,
And through his gen'rals wounds his own doome speakes,
Weaving thus richly VALENTINIAN,
The costliest monarch with the cheapest man.

Souldiers may here to their old glories adde,
The LOVER love, and be with reason MAD:
Not, as of old, Alcides furious,
Who wilder then his bull did teare the house
(Hurling his language with the canvas stone):
Twas thought the monster ror'd the sob'rer tone.

But ah! when thou thy sorrow didst inspire
With passions, blacke as is her darke attire,
Virgins as sufferers have wept to see
So white a soule, so red a crueltie;
That thou hast griev'd, and with unthought redresse
Dri'd their wet eyes who now thy mercy blesse;
Yet, loth to lose thy watry jewell, when
Joy wip't it off, laughter straight sprung't agen.

Now ruddy checked Mirth with rosie wings
Fans ev'ry brow with gladnesse, whilst she sings
Delight to all, and the whole theatre
A festivall in heaven doth appeare:
Nothing but pleasure, love; and (like the morne)
Each face a gen'ral smiling doth adorne.

Heare ye, foul speakers, that pronounce the aire
Of stewes and shores, I will informe you where
And how to cloath aright your wanton wit,
Without her nasty bawd attending it:
View here a loose thought sayd with such a grace,
Minerva might have spoke in Venus face;
So well disguis'd, that 'twas conceiv'd by none
But Cupid had Diana's linnen on;
And all his naked parts so vail'd, th' expresse
The shape with clowding the uncomlinesse;
That if this Reformation, which we
Receiv'd, had not been buried with thee,
The stage (as this worke) might have liv'd and lov'd
Her lines, the austere Skarlet had approv'd;
And th' actors wisely been from that offence
As cleare, as they are now from audience.

Thus with thy Genius did the scaene expire,
Wanting thy active and correcting fire,
That now (to spread a darknesse over all)
Nothing remaines but Poesie to fall:
And though from these thy Embers we receive
Some warmth, so much as may be said, we live;
That we dare praise thee blushlesse, in the head
Of the best piece Hermes to Love e're read;
That we rejoyce and glory in thy wit,
And feast each other with remembring it;
That we dare speak thy thought, thy acts recite:
Yet all men henceforth be afraid to write.

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Jinny the Just

Releas'd from the noise of the butcher and baker
Who, my old friends be thanked, did seldom forsake her,
And from the soft duns of my landlord the Quaker,

From chiding the footmen and watching the lasses,
From Nell that burn'd milk, and Tom that broke glasses
(Sad mischiefs thro' which a good housekeeper passes!)

From some real care but more fancied vexation,
From a life parti-colour'd half reason half passion,
Here lies after all the best wench in the nation.

From the Rhine to the Po, from the Thames to the Rhone,
Joanna or Janneton, Jinny or Joan,
'Twas all one to her by what name she was known.

For the idiom of words very little she heeded,
Provided the matter she drove at succeeded,
She took and gave languages just as she needed.

So for kitchen and market, for bargain and sale,
She paid English or Dutch or French down on the nail,
But in telling a story she sometimes did fail;

Then begging excuse as she happen'd to stammer,
With respect to her betters but none to her grammar,
Her blush helped her out and her jargon became her.

Her habit and mien she endeavor'd to frame
To the different gout of the place where she came;
Her outside still chang'd, but her inside the same:

At the Hague in her slippers and hair as the mode is,
At Paris all falbalow'd fine as a goddess,
And at censuring London in smock sleeves and bodice.

She order'd affairs that few people could tell
In what part about her that mixture did dwell
Of Frow, or Mistress, or Mademoiselle.

For her surname and race let the herald's e'en answer;
Her own proper worth was enough to advance her,
And he who liked her, little value her grandsire.

But from what house so ever her lineage may come
I wish my own Jinny but out of her tomb,
Tho' all her relations were there in her room.

Of such terrible beauty she never could boast
As with absolute sway o'er all hearts rules the roast
When J___ bawls out to the chair for a toast;

But of good household features her person was made,
Nor by faction cried up nor of censure afraid,
And her beauty was rather for use than parade.

Her blood so well mix't and flesh so well pasted
That, tho' her youth faded, her comeliness lasted;
The blue was wore off, but the plum was well tasted.

Less smooth than her skin and less white than her breast
Was this polished stone beneath which she lies pressed:
Stop, reader, and sigh while thou thinkst on the rest.

With a just trim of virtue her soul was endued,
Not affectedly pious nor secretly lewd
She cut even between the coquette and the prude.

Her will with her duty so equally stood
That, seldom oppos'd, she was commonly good,
And did pretty well, doing just what she would.

Declining all power she found means to persuade,
Was then most regarded when most she obey'd,
The mistress in truth when she seem'd but the maid.

Such care of her own proper actions she took
That on other folk's lives she had not time to look,
So censure and praise were struck out of her book.

Her thought still confin'd to its own little sphere,
She minded not who did excel or did err
But just as the matter related to her.

Then too when her private tribunal was rear'd
Her mercy so mix'd with her judgment appear'd
That her foes were condemn'd and her friends always clear'd.

Her religion so well with her learning did suit
That in practice sincere, and in controverse mute,
She showed she knew better to live than dispute.

Some parts of the Bible by heart she recited,
And much in historical chapters delighted,
But in points about Faith she was something short sighted;

So notions and modes she refer'd to the schools,
And in matters of conscience adher'd to two rules,
To advise with no bigots, and jest with no fools.

And scrupling but little, enough she believ'd,
By charity ample small sins she retriev'd,
And when she had new clothes she always receiv'd.

Thus still whilst her morning unseen fled away
In ord'ring the linen and making the tea
That scarce could have time for the psalms of the day;

And while after dinner the night came so soon
That half she propos'd very seldom was done;
With twenty God bless me's, how this day is gone! --

While she read and accounted and paid and abated,
Eat and drank, play'd and work'd, laugh'd and cried, lov'd and hated,
As answer'd the end of her being created:

In the midst of her age came a cruel disease
Which neither her juleps nor receipts could appease;
So down dropp'd her clay -- may her Soul be at peace!

Retire from this sepulchre all the profane,
You that love for debauch, or that marry for gain,
Retire lest ye trouble the Manes of J___.

But thou that know'st love above int'rest or lust,
Strew the myrle and rose on this once belov'd dust,
And shed one pious tear upon Jinny the Just.

Tread soft on her grave, and do right to her honor,
Let neither rude hand nor ill tongue light upon her,
Do all the small favors that now can be done her.

And when what thou lik'd shall return to her clay,
For so I'm persuaded she must do one day
-- Whatever fantastic John Asgill may say --

When as I have done now, thou shalt set up a stone
For something however distinguished or known,
May some pious friend the misfortune bemoan,
And make thy concern by reflexion his own.

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You always feel when you look it straight in the eye that you could have put more into it, could have let yourself go and dug harder.

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I think Karl Rove saw that in George W. Bush early on and understood the impact that he could have on Texas politics and probably on national politics.

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Let Someone Believe In You Surya Man

let someone believe in you
try letting them know
that you write your own poems too
let them feel the deep feelings of love
that you keep in your heart
or the anger that for years have been
lingering there
let them feel your presence
with your own words
let them know that you have your name
and no other
Surya man

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On The Second Night

i like the
wall
of separation

within it
is the silence
that i could
have written
since
i cannot
speak it

i tried
many times to reduce
the color
of silence
into something
like
black here and
white
over there


i want to capture
it in
some letters
like bars
and rectangles
formed
by my hands


i have never
done so
well

i am not good at
capturing
the perfect moment


it escapes
always it escapes
always
it escapes


because it is
free

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The Hate Poem

I dont think there is a word strong enough to express my hate for you, Sometimes I hate you much the hate comes in two I hate you so much I admit sometimes i cry I hate you so much i can hate you without using 1 try...You should really give up this kind of hate you cant reverse...This hate is strong I hate rehearse, recalling the good days and watever happen in the past KNOW like nothing else in my life this hate will last, Since I last saw you its possible that the hate could have grew...but I just had to let you know i hate you Too! ! !

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My Greatest Love

I would swim across the ocean of burning coals
Hanging myself to the pole
Out casting and left freezing in the cold
Cracking my brain till numb and bold
Searching for the threshold
What you could have behold

Flashbacks of tranquilizing memories
Engraving our hearts with golden debris
Wouldn’t be much of worries
Feeding our queries
Our passion evaporates in lavish
Meddling and halting to cease

Don’t you think that we’re crazy?
Day by day the breeze of frenzy
Feeding us with the love of cozy
Night by night the music of melody
Enlightening our ears of dreamy
Enriching our linkage to a steamy

Ohhhhh…..... here and ahhhhh …..... there
Feel like nothing compares
My life for you to spare
That’s how I care
Our love is seductively raw and rare
Tragic end I couldn’t bear
My love you can’t tear

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House Announcer

All right, wait a second.
We have a long show, we have a hell of a show for you. a beautiful thing.
All right, now look, look, weve...weve seen a lot of things happened in the city,
And everythings turned around. everythings beautiful.
Nobody thought wed be able to bring the doors here, and we did.
But weve got a couple of thi... wait a second man!
Look, weve just got a couple of little things that weve gotta tell you about.
The fire-marshal is not gonna let this show go on,
And I just had a long meeting with him, and man,
This is no joke, you either gotta sit down, and you gotta go back to your seats,
You gotta make isles, and thats it man. you gotta move back.
Hey look! hey look!
Wait a second, hold on! lets have a little help, man.
Come on, everybody go back to their seats. people are gonna get hurt up here,
Theyre gonna pass out.
Now we dont want that man, and the doors dont want that either.
Ladies and gentlemen, the doors!
Now hold it, weve gotta tune up.
Hey philadelphia!
Do you feel all right?

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Studies In Love #12

The doorway frames
You a perfect picture silouette
Blue sky of regret
Enough to hang out
Your legs seemed to tremble
At least I imagine that they do
Then again, its probly easy for you
Please dont open your mouth my dear
I can read all the signs I can take it from here
Theres no need to explain
Its perfectly clear
The yellow wall paper peels
A strange halo around your head
Its funny how you notice these
Stupid things instead
You say something awkward
But I wish that you wouldnt
A whole life of you wish you coulds
But just couldnts
Please dont open your mouth my dear
I can read all the signs I can take it from here
Theres no need to explain
Its perfectly clear
I try not to fight too much
It only just makes me mad
Spent half my life loving you
Think of all the love that I could have had
Five years of kisses
Packed in my bags
And this tiny moment fits
All the big things we ever had
I cant quite pinpoint
When it left or what for
Love always steps lightly
Away from the door
Please dont open your mouth my dear
I can read all the signs hell Ive known you for years
Theres no need to explain
No theres no need to explain
Theres no need to explain
Its perfectly clear

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From Childhood To Manhood

He wonders why his emotions come out.

When things in his life does not go right.

Demons that he struggles with and fight.

He wonders why his childhood family have stop communicating with him.

He wonders how things have change when we have matured.

He wonders how fast that his life went by sometimes he cry when

someone special die.

He have dreams of close people that he wish that was still alive.

He wonders why some of the people that he loved have left.

He wonders why its tough to make it in life but its really hard to go through death.

Memories that he love most that ended bad.

Which he truthfully knew that person who he could get along with the most out of any other person.

His heart is sunk down, but he is truthfully hurt with so much pain.

Sometimes he feels that things will never be the same when it rains.

He wonders why his friends that are alive have change since we grew.

All that matters if only that they knew.

Money never matters to him.

Because his family and friends was his support that makes him have a strong heart.

He wonders how will he die only time will tell as years pass by

He only live by the truth not by a lie only whats real that meets the eye.

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Desperate Heart

Yesterday you were here by my side
Nothing to prove and nothing left to hide
You promised me there would be no goodbye
But now I find another set of lies
Babe you must be crazy
How could you be so blind
Why would you deceive me
Now youre saying that youre leaving me behind
So strong Im not gonna run away
Want you to know that Im gonna break through
How long can I go on this way
Theres nothing I can do
Desperate heart think you better hold out
Torn apart I was left to bleed
Dont start feeling you were sold out
Now you better face reality
Did my best did the best that I could
Its all been wasted just misunderstood
You keep on talking
Your words are sounding so smoothe
Why dont you say it
You just want to cut me loose
Oh dont say that you love me
Dont wont to hear that you tried
Oh dont tell me that you need me
Dont want to hear none of your alibis
So strong Im not gonna run away
Want you to know that Im gonna break through
How long can I go on this way
Theres nothing I can do
Desperate heart think you better hold out
Torn apart I was left to bleed
Dont start feeling you were sold out
Now you better face reality
So strong Im not gonna run away
Want you to know that Im gonna break through
How long can I go on this way
Tell me what can I do
Nothing I can do
Desperate heart think you better hold out
Torn apart I was left to bleed
Dont start feeling you were sold out
Now you better face reality
(twice)

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Here in my heart

Another year leaves its mark on me as it nears the ending.
So many things in my head, so much to say... difficult not to get lost in a war of words.
The most painfull thing is to give up, as i said i never would.
And so i never have, not for a second.
As i would have done anything for you, as i had so often endured just about everything.
I guess i am in the wrong place, as even my home feels like a strangers place.
This shell of my life, even my skin feels like a curtain to cover the truth.
And truth is, nothing is fine or allright...
In my head things run wild, as if i'm not really here... memories and imagination still collide.
But then again, i am not really here... not really in this existence this collection of pointless seconds that fill the days.
The giving up is what kills me, the letting go wrecks me.
Letting go means the end, the end of many thigns that roll on the edge of balance between good or bad.
The life with you was my sacred ground, within that nothing could have harmed me.
Now i'm like a ghost with a forgotten voice, but i have not forgotten your voice.
No matter how many days ago all the images are like yesterday.
Almost impossible to control myself, to control my head but i must...
I must contain myself all the time, no moment to let go, every heartbeat still pumps out blood.
I'm still in a fight, but the fight kills the remaining bits of good, not much left by now.
Still trying not to give up, even though my dreams are klling me and and getting up gets harder by the day.
Just to let go for a single moment is losing, even that fraction of a second will overwhelm me and render me hopeless.
Because in the end...

You are still here in my heart.
like it has always been.
... And i'm still not giving up... even if that destroys the last piece of my heart.

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