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Being diabetic was not what I thought of as being normal, and I feared the stigma of having to take medicine and having people stick me with a needle.

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Alas! This Is Not What I Thought Life Was

Alas! this is not what I thought life was.
I knew that there were crimes and evil men,
Misery and hate; nor did I hope to pass
Untouched by suffering, through the rugged glen.
In mine own heart I saw as in a glass
The hearts of others ... And when
I went among my kind, with triple brass
Of calm endurance my weak breast I armed,
To bear scorn, fear, and hate, a woful mass!

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What was Not What is

What was not what is,
Things are different because times change.
Yet my love for you remains the same.

What was not what is,
Now I have to remember to know my place.
Was in a relationship now I am single,
Feeling love sick and I do not want to mingle.

What was not what is,
I do not want to forget,
Because I have no regret.

No more what was I have to deal with what is,
I have no choice but to leave and my status is incomplete.
What was I still have a vivid imagery,
What is looks a bit blurry.

What was..........What was
Not what is! ! ! ! !

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That's What Woke Me Up

In disbelief?
I was too,
Before I accepted.

There was a time,
I placed truth on trial.
Everything vivid,
Became for me a denial.

My thoughts and observations,
Were clearer than my own footsteps.
But when I began to follow my mind,
To leave doubt and fear behind...
I knew I was fine!

Not that I declared anything wrong.
I was not right with it.
And that took a long time to see.
I didn't understand that immediately.

Until I saw 'me'.
And the pieces on the outside,
Completed a total fit.
I began to see things as they were.
And not what I thought they should be.
I had been against the naturalness of it.
With interpretations I 'heard' should be mine.
I saw that to be imperfect.
And I became disturbed by it.
And doing my best to sit and fix the imperfect in me.
And God does not make mistakes on purpose.
To fake them as something done unconscious.
People do!
To unloosen but not tighten screws.

And that's what 'woke' me up!
I began to tighten up my activities quick,
To overdose on reality.
Now I've got my dosages under control.

In disbelief?
I was too,
Before I accepted.
There was a time,
I placed truth on trial.

Everything vivid,
Became for me a denial.
Until I saw 'me'.
And the pieces on the outside,
Completed a total fit.

I began to see things as they were.
And not what I thought they should be.
Because they could never be how I saw them.
I saw them to be imperfect.
Not comprehending a thing as I followed.
To become involved in an assortment of heartbreaks.

And God does not make mistakes,
To fake them as something done unconscious.
People do!
And I no longer follow those who have eyes,
They allow to remain clouded.

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The residual effects

When I looked back on the situation,
I realized it was not what I thought
It was. A woman walked into my life,
So modest that I instantly fell for her.
I had to put a lot to warm her up.
Maybe it is an infatuation.
It may not happen to everyone.
Its residual effects warm me up.
21.07.2008

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Silly; Human Nature; Scary? ; Long: Mary's Pet

Mary was a little weird, a fact you'll soon agree.
And if this story sounds familiar, I hope you'll forgive me.
She attended Beavis Elementary, just around the block.
She left for school each school day, by eight a.m. by the clock.

Now one day was 'Bring a Pet to School With You Day'.....;
that could turn out hectic, but NOT tragic most would say.
After all, what could eight-year-olds bring to class that could break ANY rule? ?
(Soon, you'll find you are wrong, my friend. Mary was weird and cruel.)

She could have taken her lamb to school, as in the nursery rhyme.
Her classmates would enjoy it. The thought's almost sublime.
But what instead did Mary take from her home menagerie?
Something cold and sinister that would make even teachers flee!

When Mary got to school that day no one paid her any mind.
(She was weird of course.) That she appeared with no pet was fine.
The day progressed quite nicely with dogs and cats; even one rat.
But Mary fidgeted more than usual in the BACK ROW where she sat.

Now as I said there were lots of cats and dogs (and one guinea pig, some birds) :
that day the poor janitor was kept busy, sweeping up their turds.

Each child was given time in class, to show and talk about their pet,
but a half hour before the recess bell, Mary had not talked or shown one......yet!
When she was the last one left, who'd not stood at the teacher's desk,
the teacher, Mrs. Apple, called her up; she thought Mary was a PEST.

'Mary dear' (that's what Apple SAID, though it was NOT what she thought)
'you are now the last one, my dear, left to show us what you've brought.'

At that, with a smirk on her face, Mary reached for her cute rear;
one especially precocious boy thought 'her ass? ' with hope but also fear.

So Mary reached down the back of her skirt, and SLOWLY she did take....
a two foot long, glistening-black, hooded cobra snake.

The teacher fled; some children did too, but SOME were mesmerized.
They could NOT believe what Mary had brought though they saw it with their eyes.
The 'Day' was NOT as successful as the principal hoped it'd be.
Five classmates died of cobra bites. Three are still in comas. Hee hee.

(Nov.2012)

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I'm to blame

I am sorry i could never give you what you needed
I am sorry that i was just never enough
I am sorry i just never succeeded
I am sorry i made life tough

I am sorry i just was not what you had in mind
I am sorry i was not what you had deserved
I am sorry and i hope that you will find
someone who, like me is concerned

I am sorry i was a waste of your precious time
I am sorry you didnt think i have a nice soul
I am sorry to you i wasent worth a dime
I am sorry i did not fit the role

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Random Time

I have been searching my eyes for half a day
this is a lonely place
The sounds dont break in the box
The're just sourrounding your voice,
Trascending random-time.
Yeah
People are driving to Solomon's Thief hole
from here they seem to have the same ambitions.
What do we have to do
to break the master plan?
Why do we ever have to cry alone
when thats not what I thought of life in heaven,
Oh well break the master plan,
Yes trascending random time
I have been searching my eyes for half a day
This is a lonely place
The sounds dont break in the box
The're just sourrounding your voice,
Trascending random-time.
Yeah....
Why do we ever have to cry alone
When thats not what I thought of life in heaven,
Oh well break the master plan,
Yeah trascending random time.

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Not What I Pictured

There is nothing like a man in car heart jeans
A white beaded and
A cowboy hat
A good looking cowboy could still my heart away
We could ride into the sun set

But when I looked into your eyes
I was delightedly surprised when I feel in love with you
Because you're not the guy I pictured
I was going to fall in love with at all
You're more
Your hair not as blonde and not as long
Your eyes not blue
And 6' 4' is a lot taller then I thought
Your not even country
I can make you break just in a couple words
But you can me

You do tell me every day I love you
That I'm the prettiest woman you have ever seen
That your only wish is to be with me
You'll never want anything
As much as you want to be with me
When I cry you're the first one to take the blame
Even if it has nothing to do with you
Your always there trying your hardest to cheer me up and
Not caring what you have to do today you'll put it off and make sure
I'm smiling when you leave me

You even have qualities I don't have like patients
You need patients for not only kids but also in being awesome husband
Like I know you will be because you're always worried you're not doing enough
When really you're doing too much and I don't feel like I'm doing enough for you
But you would never ask for me to do no more
For I could do no wrong
You treat me like I am some kind of angle
When really you are the king of my world
And I try to treat you like one but I'm afraid I'm not doing enough
If you treat our kids half aw well as you treat me then
You'll be the greatest dad to our kids

Your hair and your eyes are not what
I expected at all
The way you treat me is much much more then I expected
What is in store for the future I don't know but knowing you
It's not what I pictured

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Walt Whitman

I Thought I Was Not Alone

I THOUGHT I was not alone, walking here by the shore,
But the one I thought was with me, as now I walk by the shore,
As I lean and look through the glimmering light--that one has utterly
disappeared,
And those appear that perplex me.

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Luaghter that Was Not Mine

I heard and hear luaghter
That is not mine.
Luaghter dont bolong with me
Only shit and sadness
And uncried tears.
These are the things that lie with me.

I was only 5
You and your mates all gathered around
All the others watched.
While you told me its a new game.
You told me I'd like it
When I didnt
I cried
I got a smack.

I tryed to struggle free
but you were to strong for me.
I had to float above.

I hear the luaghter to this day
You and your mates
Thought it was funny
What a grate luagh.

I wasnt luaghing
I was crying
The pain was intense.

I jhate you
I allways hear you
Hear you luagh.

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When I was asked what my favorite body part was?

When I was asked what my favorite body part is?

It was not the kind of question
I get asked every day

When I mentioned
this question to my friends
they all thought for a second
and laughed…

so I thought I would
ask those close to me what they thought

someone said the soft tissue
on my hand between my thumb
and second finger
it has no known use
but it is a soft place to hide feelings
and provides a hook to hold on too…

someone else said my hands
because they are able to express
what I am feeling inside
and my hands are what I use to write
down my poetry

another person told me
it was my tongue
that is able to pierce the space
between her mouth
with my warmth

for me I think
it is my smile
which is often the first thing
they notice when they see me.

and when I saw another wrestling dad
in Minnesota at a wrestling tournament
a week after his daughter died
he said he was glad he did not stay home
but support the team, because his daughter was
the team manager

and he was happy to see me
because he said
my smile reminded him
of his daughter, who was always happy
and smiling

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It Was Not The Beginning Of Pain

when i hear that music
which is played outside this enclosure
whose windows are like leaks
upon a container of water
i remember you

alone in the other side of the room
we were then in zamboanga
we were boarders and i was reading a book
behind the wall that divided us

i was pretending
not being concerned about your loneliness
which i inadvertently presumed

i allowed the silence to creep on the floor
rising to my hair

which could not in any sense understand at all
what was happening
within me, it was strange,

it was a nostalgia that i never figured out
till then

it was too painful for me imagining that you love me
and that soon
when i finally left for another destination
i put it upon myself that you should miss me somehow

it was a little bit awkward
but i wanted it to reign in my heart
like it was a precious gem

i wished i had knocked at the door of your room
but the lights were already turned off
and i was presuming that you too were listening to the
silence of the enclosure where i am
situated comfortably
in my pretensions

i could have loved you and told you about it
but i knew that with the prevailing
times, the chaos and the rules of the game of war
during that time

us loving each other would be as absurd
as lines traveling parallel to each other
and in opposite direction
should ever meet

i understood the situation so i also turned off the light of that room

when i left the following morning for a new assignment
the landlady told me that you already left much earlier

That was not actually, the beginning of my pain
it began when i first met myself and got introduced to it
with me not knowing myself exactly,
with such an accuracy denied to the level of my convenience
or comfort.

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She Loved Me; I Loved Her Not

She was not the prettiest flower in the bouquet
but she had a perfumed heart

which shone through in a radiant smile and gentle nature;
she loved me dearly.

I, I awakened to puberty blinded by blond curls
and cheerleader bodies

and to those nasty girls
who flirted with my hormones
shaking me into the boy-way and impure thoughts;

sometimes at the wrong time
as the girls filed by us boys
we both on our
way to the gym and my embarrassment.

Where sometimes I had to skip gym and make excuses.
Audrey watched from afar;

I was not so much oblivious of how she felt
and I felt she was nice but, too nice

to be despoiled by what I wanted from girls
I wanted the fast girls because fast knows fast

and I was definitely fast in my sloppy jeans.

So like attracted like.

Like bears and honey

And like bears and honey

I didn't care if I got stung
I wanted honey.

Every boy in my school wanted the same three girls;

every girl in my school wanted the same three boys

the rest of us were bystanders, spectators and critics

to scenes we were not part of

not even able to offer solace to others like ourselves because

to be in the not-popular group was to be a social failure;

and who wants to associate with social failures-
no one that's who.

Being seen together

only drew attention to your failed status in life.

No one wants that right?

Audrey stood by watching me hunger for the popular girls

particularly Carly
who was my female succubus,

who could arouse in me
such that at times I dared not stand up.

Carly was the one who knew how to flirt

how to move my hormones with just a glance;

how to flip her hair

how to bend over to pick up that mythical pencil

how to always look available

whether she had a boyfriend or not

how to perform in lunch-room theater

scenes of a princess eating

several kinds of food stuffs from soup to hotdogs,

to ice cream cones

which drove the boys crazy

where Life would stand still for the boys and the girls
and also for some male faculty members
who too would
become frozen in time
whenever Carly, took up her comestibles.

The girls watched too angry-eager to learn how to imitate
-envious critical condemning, castigating
totally in awe of what Carly could do to boys.

She had the gift of innocent sexuality,
no better, the gift of a innocent playful sexuality
naughty but not seedy,
a young girl in a woman's body,
natural senuous movements which gave promise
of her inner woman to be.

She was of course learning of her ability
to attract boys and men
but her learning was so public
and she learned to accommodate the stares and
mini-hatreds and lusts of others
on the stage she had placed upon
which made her internal development public out of necessity.

She was used to all eyes upon her.

And even then I realized that Carly was also a symbol of how everything and anything could be given a sexual interpretation
not only by us boys, but the girls as well
and as well by the adults,
some of whom hated Carly's natural sexuality
and other adults there
who hated her
and that very same sexuality
as a sign of the devils work
or worse,
made them feel that sexuality
against their will-same as the young boys.

No one it seemed was immune
from the powerful pull of Carly's natural sexuality.

Carly lived in the middle of this maelstrom.

I found Audrey one Friday
(Carly and her popular group came to the cafeteria
only on Fridays,
hence her appearances were extra special
to all concerned
since they were not frequent.)

One day, as I was saying,
I saw Audrey outside the cafeteria
and the moment her eyes met mine

she started to cry.

Not understanding
I asked her what was the matter.

'Nothing.' she said turning away
but that was the first day I started to see her

as a real person,
not a girlfriend mind you
rather I started to see her as a comrade in suffering.

I vowed to ask her who she was in love with
assuming she shared my predicament.

And I thought we could help each other.

I thought I would call her.

Without further words Audrey walked away
humiliated but happy so happy that I had noticed her.

She vowed that she would fight for me

she would walk up to me in the school corridor
and kiss me on the cheek;
that is what she would do
to make me understand how she felt about me.

To make me see that she was the one
who loved me

that really understood me.

That is what she decided to do

That night she planned it out:

Lip gloss, short skirt, tight top,
she would be a new Audrey and get my attention

and make me forget the nasty girls.

To be continued

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The World Is Not What I Want It To Be

THE WORLD IS NOT WHAT I WANT IT TO BE

The world is not
What I want it to be
It never will be.

Life is a night
Without end
And the day
Is the light
That never was,
And will never be
Again.

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I Had A Poem/But It Was Not Perfect

I HAD A POEM/ BUT IT WAS NOT PERFECT

I had a poem
But it was not perfect
I corrected it
And lost it
I corrected it again
And lost it again
I lost it and lost it
And corrected it and corrected it.

Finally it was a poem sort of
But not the poem I began with
And not the poem I wanted
And not the poem I loved
It was a poem
Which made the best of what was
When it knew
At its beginning
There was something better.

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Emily Dickinson

The lonesome for they know not What

262

The lonesome for they know not What
The Eastern Exiles—be—
Who strayed beyond the Amber line
Some madder Holiday—

And ever since—the purple Moat
They strive to climb—in vain—
As Birds—that tumble from the clouds
Do fumble at the strain—

The Blessed Ether—taught them—
Some Transatlantic Morn—
When Heaven—was too common—to miss—
Too sure—to dote upon!

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The First Time Was Not The Last

i was not yet 22
when i walked around
with a bottle of sin
in my long black wool coat
the winter’s in Chicago
were very very cold
and i never thought
of going home
instead I wandered
the isolated streets
and went into
dark murky basements
and sat over heating vents
outside of university buildings
drank my posion and
smoked my shit
on those warm blowing vents
taking away the bite of the cold
i had no direction
and i didn’t care to find one
because i was warm

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It Was Not Difficult

Growing
And then into stems
Leaves
With roots
Flowers
Climbing
Touching and caressing

It was not difficult
To rise
To reach
Your wall
Get close
To your bosom
For a few words
To tell you

It was not difficult

But the addiction
Of impossibilities
And further impossibilities

And otherwise
What would have I gained

For my love
Was like
The love
Of Every one

What I gained
What I lost
In this love
Who knows
But me

And that
Your gain was my loss
And my gain was my loss

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It Was Not In The Winter

It was not in the Winter
Our loving lot was cast;
It was the Time of Roses,—
We plucked them as we passed!
That churlish season never frown'd
On early lovers yet:—
Oh, no—the world was newly crown'd
With flowers when first we met!
'Twas twilight, and I bade you go,
But still you held me fast;
It was the Time of Roses,—
We pluck'd them as we pass'd.—
What else could peer thy glowing cheek,
That tears began to stud?
And when I ask'd the like of Love,
You snatched a damask bud;
And oped it to the dainty core,
Still glowing to the last.—
It was the Time of Roses,—
We plucked them as we pass'd!

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If It Was Not Concerning Them

How can one be detached,
From their own feelings?
I've heard that said before...
By those who were chosen,
To be ignored.
Therefore...
'Someone' had to have had no feelings.

You know how quick that spreads around!

And I am sure I am not the only one,
That can relate to this.
There are those who make attempts,
To squeeze an empathy.
And if no emotion is expressed,
Or showed to be exposed...
That person is labelled cold.

And I can understand being in that position.
After saving myself from being completely depleted...
By those who could care less 'how' I felt,
If it was not concerning them!
So those lights in my life had to be switched off.

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