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She Loved Me; I Loved Her Not

She was not the prettiest flower in the bouquet
but she had a perfumed heart

which shone through in a radiant smile and gentle nature;
she loved me dearly.

I, I awakened to puberty blinded by blond curls
and cheerleader bodies

and to those nasty girls
who flirted with my hormones
shaking me into the boy-way and impure thoughts;

sometimes at the wrong time
as the girls filed by us boys
we both on our
way to the gym and my embarrassment.

Where sometimes I had to skip gym and make excuses.
Audrey watched from afar;

I was not so much oblivious of how she felt
and I felt she was nice but, too nice

to be despoiled by what I wanted from girls
I wanted the fast girls because fast knows fast

and I was definitely fast in my sloppy jeans.

So like attracted like.

Like bears and honey

And like bears and honey

I didn't care if I got stung
I wanted honey.

Every boy in my school wanted the same three girls;

every girl in my school wanted the same three boys

the rest of us were bystanders, spectators and critics

to scenes we were not part of

not even able to offer solace to others like ourselves because

to be in the not-popular group was to be a social failure;

and who wants to associate with social failures-
no one that's who.

Being seen together

only drew attention to your failed status in life.

No one wants that right?

Audrey stood by watching me hunger for the popular girls

particularly Carly
who was my female succubus,

who could arouse in me
such that at times I dared not stand up.

Carly was the one who knew how to flirt

how to move my hormones with just a glance;

how to flip her hair

how to bend over to pick up that mythical pencil

how to always look available

whether she had a boyfriend or not

how to perform in lunch-room theater

scenes of a princess eating

several kinds of food stuffs from soup to hotdogs,

to ice cream cones

which drove the boys crazy

where Life would stand still for the boys and the girls
and also for some male faculty members
who too would
become frozen in time
whenever Carly, took up her comestibles.

The girls watched too angry-eager to learn how to imitate
-envious critical condemning, castigating
totally in awe of what Carly could do to boys.

She had the gift of innocent sexuality,
no better, the gift of a innocent playful sexuality
naughty but not seedy,
a young girl in a woman's body,
natural senuous movements which gave promise
of her inner woman to be.

She was of course learning of her ability
to attract boys and men
but her learning was so public
and she learned to accommodate the stares and
mini-hatreds and lusts of others
on the stage she had placed upon
which made her internal development public out of necessity.

She was used to all eyes upon her.

And even then I realized that Carly was also a symbol of how everything and anything could be given a sexual interpretation
not only by us boys, but the girls as well
and as well by the adults,
some of whom hated Carly's natural sexuality
and other adults there
who hated her
and that very same sexuality
as a sign of the devils work
or worse,
made them feel that sexuality
against their will-same as the young boys.

No one it seemed was immune
from the powerful pull of Carly's natural sexuality.

Carly lived in the middle of this maelstrom.

I found Audrey one Friday
(Carly and her popular group came to the cafeteria
only on Fridays,
hence her appearances were extra special
to all concerned
since they were not frequent.)

One day, as I was saying,
I saw Audrey outside the cafeteria
and the moment her eyes met mine

she started to cry.

Not understanding
I asked her what was the matter.

'Nothing.' she said turning away
but that was the first day I started to see her

as a real person,
not a girlfriend mind you
rather I started to see her as a comrade in suffering.

I vowed to ask her who she was in love with
assuming she shared my predicament.

And I thought we could help each other.

I thought I would call her.

Without further words Audrey walked away
humiliated but happy so happy that I had noticed her.

She vowed that she would fight for me

she would walk up to me in the school corridor
and kiss me on the cheek;
that is what she would do
to make me understand how she felt about me.

To make me see that she was the one
who loved me

that really understood me.

That is what she decided to do

That night she planned it out:

Lip gloss, short skirt, tight top,
she would be a new Audrey and get my attention

and make me forget the nasty girls.

To be continued

poem by Lonnie Hicks
Added by Poetry Lover
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