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A Trip to the Vet
Lately, you have been sick
And we just don't know what to do with you.
You're itching at your skin—
Scratching the dry, leathery patches until they scab
And ooze a mixture of blood and puss.
Your ears are dripping a waxy fluid
And the kids choke on it
When they go to cuddle with you.
It's not that we don't love you anymore.
You just don't smell pleasant anymore.
You're also getting crotchety,
As if you snarl at the world that did this to you,
Angry at God for birthing you to become this.
Your legs wobble when you walk.
It looks like they could cave in at any time,
Causing you to collapse, helplessly
Lying on the floor.
If you hadn't become so resigned to your discouragement,
So engulfed in the utter disappointment you have for your failing limbs,
People might feel bad for you,
But they don't.
You don't wake up in the morning anymore.
You don't get out of bed to urinate.
If you're comfortable, you'd rather bathe in your urine
And smell like your waste.
Well, whatever makes you happier.
You might've lost your voice a little while back,
So you can't really tell us how you feel.
Some dogs bark.
Others bite.
You just cough
To clear the sand from your throat,
Forcing the dusty, lodged syllables out of your mouth
In a thick, tarry mucous.
Whatever you want to say gets covered in it
And sinks into the ejecting ponds of spittle.
I'm sorry we no longer understand you.
I'm sorry we're not there for you.
I'm sorry I don't care as much as I used to.
I'm sorry I don't care.
I try not to.
I don't want to know the pain you feel.
I don't want to know what it's like
To know that each step my joints are breaking inside of me;
To know that I don't have much longer to live;
To know that Death is waiting to claim me,
Laughing as I hobble back to my feet in the morning.
You're suffering,
But you're just an animal.
Those can't be tears in your eyes.
You can't be crying.
You can't be crying.
Maybe I'd start crying
If I believed you were crying.
Your eyes look so sad.
It's as if you fully realize you've seen the best of your days
While you peer forward,
Gazing into oblivion.
I don't want you to be that way.
I want to remember you as the puppy,
The obnoxious bundle of energy that we couldn't shut up.
I want you to bite my friends and make them get stitches
Like you did when I was a kid.
I want you to growl at people because they squirt you with a hose,
Not because they won't let you rest.
Relax right now. I hope it brings you peace.
Soon, you won't have to worry.
We're taking you to the vet
To check on your allergies,
To refill your medications.
We're trying to keep you healthy,
Though we know your rambunctious days are over.
I have to pick you up and put you in the backseat.
Three years ago, you would hop in,
But now you don't have the energy.
You're gaining weight,
So it's getting harder for me too.
You lay your head upon your folded paws
And stretch your body to crumple it up again.
You're a shedding ball of saggy, wrinkled skin
Red and ripe with agitation.
We drive down the road for twenty minutes.
I forget you're there in the silence.
After being so restless for so long,
You're catching up,
Unable to resist the soothing sensation of closing your eyes.
As we pull into the parking lot,
Your head perks up slightly
And your tail begins wagging.
I put you on a leash
And we walk inside.
You aren't aggressive with other animals anymore—
All the hard work and effort put into training you has finally paid off.
You sit politely in a chair while we wait for your appointment.
Then the vet takes you and I wait.
I skim through a few articles in a few magazines from a few months ago.
My eyes wander and fix on a daytime news program
About another murder in the city.
A half hour later,
I'm informed that your sickness is only getting worse—
That life will only be getting harder and harder,
Becoming a grievance for you:
A heavy burden,
A suffering.
I am told that the most humane thing I can do for you at this point
Is to let them prick you with a needle filled with poison
And watch you slowly drift into somnolent state,
Dreamily letting life slip from you.
All I have to do is sign the papers.
That's all I have to do to say goodbye.
I try not to.
I don't want to alleviate your senses.
I don't want the guilt
Of knowing I was the one that let them kill you;
Of knowing I was the one who saw you die;
Of knowing that even if I said no,
You would be in pain,
Agonized by survival.
You're there: laying on a bed, already sleeping.
Your tail is wagging.
You look the best you've looked in years.
From far away, you seem relieved to be here.
poem
by
Tim Stensloff
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